Intern in a Pandemic

Hi friends!

I haven't posted in a while but with COVID happening and trying to prepare for moving and residency. I honestly wasn't too sure what I was going to do with this blog once I finished medical school.

Maybe I'll blog about starting residency in the middle of a pandemic?

So here I go! Let me just back track. I finished my last elective at the end of February a mere 2 weeks before COVID shut down the country. I was supposed to go on a cruise to Hawaii with my mom and grandma which obviously was cancelled. I had plans to catch up and see friends I haven't been able to see since starting medical school which didn't happen. I was at home waiting for COVID to pass. I was heartbroken but also guilty?

I knew there were people who had it worse than I did and were going through tougher times than I was but I couldn't help but feel upset. To give you context, the time between finishing medical school and starting residency med students generally travel since we have no obligations for a few months before starting residency. For most of us it is the longest time we have off between college and medical school and residency is a marathon 3-5 years with limited vacation.

Being a Canadian moving to the South I was planning on renting a Uhaul and driving down with my dad but because of the border crossing being closed to everyone except essential workers I would have to do the drive alone... which I couldn't do. Plans changed again... I'd be getting a shipping container and sending large items in there and I would fly down with three suitcases in tow. Moving to a brand new state not knowing ANYONE was quite the experience. I had to build all my furniture alone, figure out my SSN (which was an adventure and a long story), rent a car, learn the area all by myself.

All while still feeling guilty.

Fast forward to orientation, my program had us present on campus but all separated by discipline so I was able to meet my co-interns and spend time with them but other programs had their orientation virtually. It made it hard to actually get to know your co-interns.

There were no resident bonding get togethers, hanging out and meeting the senior residents, it was just orientation and then starting to work in the hospital. We can't afford to get COVID and have to call out sick.

I think isolating is the best word to describe how starting has felt. I have met some of my senior residents in clinic which has been wonderful since everyone is so friendly and helpful. But building those relationships outside of the hospital and bonding in a more relaxed setting is what's missing and it's heart breaking.

This is how I've felt these past few months and I've just now been able to put it into words. I'm not sure if any other interns have had these same thoughts or feelings but if you have please share and know that you're not alone in those feelings.

- Jen

Long Time No Post

Hi Friends!

I know I've kinda fallen off the face of the earth on here... not purposefully but because honestly I haven't really known what to say. I haven't figured out how to put what I want to say into words.

Do I talk about third year and how tough it was?
Do I talk about step 2?
Do I talk about fourth year?
Do I talk about applications?
Do I talk about interview season?

HONESTLY I don't really want to talk about any of them - hence why I haven't posted.

UNTIL TODAY

I realized all I want to do is reflect on this journey so far.

It has been long and tedious. I've been more exhausted than I can imagine. I've felt more homesick than I've ever felt. I've been able to live in so many exciting and new places. I've been able to see so many beautiful sights and things. I've seen things that are unimaginable. I've met with people I've never thought I'd meet. I've had experiences that not many people have experienced.

Everything I've seen/done/experienced so far have spanned from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. From the excitement of birthing a baby that a couple has been trying for for ages to the tears of a patient coming in from a trauma. I've gone through a whole range of emotions in just one 24 hour shift. And as much as I could not imagine doing anything different in my life I've noticed how it's changed me.

Not in a bad way, but not in a good way either.

In order to get through medical school you need to be tough. That's what I was always told. Okay be tough be tough. Got through Dominica and Step One. I WAS TOUGH. Then came the hospital. In order to get through day after day after day of caring for your patients it wears you out. You have some amazing beautiful encounters and you have some not so great encounters. You have people telling you you're doing great keep it up! Then you have people questioning why you did "x, y, z".

In order for me to cope with that I "became tougher". I hardened up - if something good happened - that's fine. If something bad happened - that's fine. There were no emotions anymore. I still cared so deeply for my patients wanting to make them feel comfortable and they were being cared for. But I wouldn't allow myself to feel emotions. I wouldn't get happy, sad, mad, angry, elated, joyous, scared or even homesick. I just did. I showed up. Cared for my patients and left. I couldn't handle the moments of excitement of helping a patient to the embarrassment of doing something incorrect and being spoken to about it. So I just wouldn't let myself feel either emotion.

So yeah you have to be tough to get through medical school, I'm not saying I am but I never TRULY realized what that meant until now. I've missed too many birthdays to count. I've missed get togethers, funerals, dinners, weddings, parties... YOU NAME IT I'VE MISSED IT.

I've lost contact with dear friends, I've felt like I haven't been able to be a good friend, a good sister, daughter or granddaughter. It can feel very isolating. Yet here I am still knowing that medicine is all I ever want to do.

I know medicine online can be glorified. Flatlays, fun study sessions, cool surgeries, cute scrubs.

AND IT IS ALL OF THOSE THINGS!!!

But there is also more. There's those tears of sadness, anger, frustration. Those 2 am eureka moments. Those disorganized desks with notes everywhere and UWorld ripping apart your soul. Those silent moments after a tough case. The exciting moments with patients.

And everything in between.

And I wouldn't change it for the world.

- Jen

IMF

Friends!

I had been planning on blogging once I settled in here but that hasn't happened yet. It's a VERY DIFFERENT busy than studying for boards. I feel like I'm constantly on the move and quite honestly I've been finding it difficult to get into a rhythm. I'm normally the kind of person who can get into a schedule pretty quickly but with our continuously changing schedule that's been pretty tough for me here.

Basically my week looks like 2 days in the clinic interviewing and doing physical exams on patients, 2 days on campus for simulations, OSCES, and skills labs and one day of lectures. This past weekend we were trained in ACLS (advanced cardiac life support) and BLS (basic life support) and this coming weekend we have PALS (Pediatric advanced life support).

I have also found out where I am doing my core rotations...

...and...

I'LL BE IN NEW YORK!

I was hoping to not have to deal with another winter (I am not a fan) BUT I am excited to be close to home again and be able to experience the city! I'll be starting my cores with Family Medicine so I am a little nervous since I've been told that's the most difficult shelf exam but I'm trying to keep an open mind.

Although starting in the hospitals means beginning a brand new learning curve, I am excited to begin and do what every medical student went into medicine for - to help patients.

With beginning a brand new part of my medical school journey the dreaded imposter syndrome has been sneaking up on me again - wondering if I'm actually good enough for this, whether medicine is right for me, am I even smart enough to be going into clinicals?

I'd be lying if I wrote to all of you that I have no fears going into core rotations. I am just as nervous as I was when I was leaving to go to Dominica. But there was one important thing I learned from all of those tears I cried before I went to medical school on an island...

Any time you feel the most uncomfortable and the most nervous you're about to have the most personal growth.

Looking back I was SO SCARED to go to medical school in Dominica but I can say with 100% certainty I would not be even close to the person I am today without all of the experiences I had on the island.

- Jen

Getting ready for 3X

Hello my friends!!

I sit here the day after the heavily spoken about and internationally known boiling lake hike and let me tell you... muscles I didn't know could hurt are hurting.

As some of you may have seen on the news we're getting hit by a tropical depression Gaston. Winds are strong and there is a significant amount of rain falling. The weather wasn't as bad yesterday therefore we continued on with our hike.

The base of the hike is about 6.5 miles east of Rosseau (the capital of Dominica) so approximately 1.5 hour drive. The first part of the hike is through a heavily wooded area, with little steps for you to walk on guiding you to a small river where we had our first break. We sat there to cool off, hydrate and eat some food.

Next we hiked 1 km (1000 m) up. That was probably the most tiring part of this whole hike. It allowed me to do a lot of thinking (on my many breaks) - hiking is a lot like schooling - its beautiful when you take a step back and look around but when you focus in on yourself and lose sight of the beauty of the journey it turns into something a little more painstaking.

So, we finally made it to the top of this brutal summit. Our guide told us to start going back if we felt too tired but myself and two of my friends said we were going to make it to the lake.

Then our tour guide continued on...

The three of us caught our breath and continued down the other side of this summit. It didn't start off too bad, still more steps down - a little more difficult on this downward side. We then reached a point where there were no more steps and just a mountainous wall. The three of us saw our lives flash before our eyes countless times as we tried to figure out how to get down this mountain.

Once we finally made it down into the sulphur spring areas we took another break, and tried to bring down our adrenaline and calm our shaken nerves. We saw another guide leading a small group into a valley so we figured we should follow them. Once we actually made it to the valley we couldn't see where they could have gone but we followed the stream flowing down into boiling lake. Again, this started off not too bad but as we travelled deeper and deeper into this valley it was much more difficult. There were no places to put your feet, no rocks to hold on to, nothing. And I started to panic.

For the first time in a very long time I thought I made a completely wrong decision. We didn't know where we were, we had no one behind us telling us where to go and we had no idea if we were even heading in the right direction. We were yelling, trying to see if anyone could hear us... we felt so alone and lost. My one friend said she was going forward to see if she saw anyone and my other friend and I waited until we decided to try to head back from where we came from.

My legs were shaking, arms so sore, I was literally COVERED in sweat. Looking back and seeing where we struggled through was oddly beautiful. I could honestly say we got through all of that by ourselves and as much as I wanted to cry I turned back and tried to be as logical as possible to get back to an area where we knew where we were going.

That was probably one of the most mentally and physically challenging days I've had in my life. But do I regret it for a second? No.

I was scared for my life, I was tired, I felt weak and I felt so alone but I got through it (with the help of some friends). Although that may sound like a pretty scary way to start third semester I think it is beautiful. There are going to be ups and downs in your life and there are going to be times when you feel like you're lost and alone and you're so very close to giving up hope. But if you push through and persevere you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to.

Now even though my body is the most sore it's ever been I feel 100% ready to tackle M2!

- Jen

Just Keep Building

Hello Friends!

Quick turn around for another post from me but I’ve got some inspiration for some more writing/procrastinating.

I got some pretty exciting news yesterday and I’ll officially post it on this blog - but I’ve been asked to be the Prime Minister (President) for the Canadian Students Society! Words can’t even describe how excited and happy I am to be able to take a leadership role in this club and work along side some of my amazing friends.

I'd just like to take a moment and reflect as to why I'm so grateful not only for the Canadian Students Society but for being in medical school and living out my dream of becoming a Doctor.

In high school I was a very active student member. Coming from a smaller all girls high school it was very easy to get involved in the school community. I did plays, ran the robotics team, was selected to be a prefect, was on the May Court, helped out with school events... You get the drift.

For various reasons everything changed in my undergrad. I wasn't involved in any clubs let alone never dreamt about taking a leadership role in any aspect of my time there. Just to clarify, it had nothing to do with the school itself. The Applied Health Sciences Faculty was amazing - the smallest faculty on campus - we had a very home like feel to all of our events and throughout all of our buildings.

My confidence was stripped. I isolated myself. I didn't think I could be a part of a team and I didn't want to be. I didn't think I could be a leader, not in a group project let alone in a club.

For various reasons, I wasn’t the same active student body member that I was before. My friends who knew me from high school noticed the shift and honestly there was nothing anyone could really do to bring my confidence back up to where it was before. It was hard, going from being someone who was so actively involved to someone who went to classes and labs and that was it. No extra curriculars, no clubs, no teams - nothing. Until I found a volunteering position working with cancer patients that made me want to get more involved. Mind you at this point joining anything was a big deal for me. And I will be forever thankful to all of my patients at Well Fit, as much as you say I helped you, you helped to shape me into the future doctor I am today.

I was thinking about my 18/19 year old self and how she would react if I told her that she would be in medical school, and she would be loving it. She would gain her confidence to take on leadership roles again and most importantly she would be genuinely happy.

The thought brought me to tears.

I asked a lot of friends whether I should post this more personal blog and I got a resounding yes. Then I realized how happy an 18/19 year old Jen would be if she read something like this when she wasn't feeling her best.

For anyone who may be thinking about applying to medical school but is doubting themselves or doesn’t believe that they can do it - if you want it badly enough you will do it. And you will succeed. Once you start doing what you love the confidence and the happiness just falls into place.

- Jen

Fall Seven Times - Get Up Eight

Hello friends!

I've officially reached the mid point of MERP. So far I've completed seven weeks of intensive studying, coffee drinking and lack of sleeping. Those of you who have tried to talk to me, or hang out, know how difficult it is to get in touch with me now.

I remember reading that in order to succeed in medicine (or I guess anything for that matter) you must totally commit yourself to it. I don't think I've ever pushed myself this much - and been so critical on myself - in my academic career. We've been told repetitively that this program is a walk in a park compared to what the island is going to be like.

AKA

If you think it's difficult to get in touch with me now just wait until I'm living in a third world country and have gotten invested in my school work down there. I will apologize in advance.

As I have reached the middle of the semester morale has been dropping - fear and anxiety has started to set in. I'm starting to feel all of the information I've fit into my brain, the late nights trying to understand trouble topics, and reality setting in that I could be leaving to finally achieve my dreams of becoming a doctor.

I'm writing this to anyone, and to remind myself, who is going through a stressful time that all of your hard work will pay off. Sometimes it's hard to see all you have achieved when you are so fixated on something minor you cannot figure out.

Take a step back.

Look at the big picture.

Look at how far you come and how much closer you are at achieving whatever it is you want to do.

Every road is going to have speed bumps, but don't put them there yourself. Keep your head down and work hard - but also don't forget to take a step back and enjoy yourself every once and a while. Trust me from experience, nothing is more frustrating than trying to do work when you are mentally burnt out.

What are some things you guys do to boost your morale or take a break from work?

- Jen

Today is the big 21!

Hello all!

Today is my 21st birthday and unfortunately I'm spending it studying for my finals this weekend. This isn't just me posting about it being my birthday I've actually felt pretty humbled with the birthday wishes I've gotten and I figured I'd write a little post about it.

I went through a phase where all I was really concerned about was myself and my issues. Don't get me wrong I still was kind and friendly but I wasn't as helpful as I am now. All I thought about were things wrong in my life, and trying to fix them. I still had friends, I'm a pretty social girl, but I just felt that some part of me was missing.

Over the past year and a bit I have reignited that little flame that went missing and I'm the full throttle me again. I always make sure I am available for my friends, whether they need a laugh, help with homework, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen… you can name anything and I will do it for my friends. I feel like opening myself up like this and basically putting my heart on my sleeve for my friends has really strengthened my relationship with them. It's a good feeling to know that you're the one they want to call when they have an issue, or a funny story to tell.

I think thats the sole reason I want to be a doctor. I love working with people and being around people, but I thrive in situations where I know I can help someone. Physically, emotionally, psychologically and any other ways you can think.

So I guess this post goes out to all of my beautiful friends who have brought the real Jen back! They all are such an inspiration to me and people like them make me want to be the best person I can be. They've been there for me through so many ups and downs and I couldn't be where I am today without all of their support.

I truly have the best friends in the world and I hope they all realize how special they really are.

- Jen

MCAT is done!

Hey all!

I just wrote my MCAT yesterday and it was unlike any other test I've written! Still in recovery mode aka sitting on my couch watching TV shows.

If anyone has any idea for upcoming posts please feel free to send me a message and I will be happy to try and accommodate you ideas!

- Jen

300 views!

So I've made it to 300 views and I just want to say thank you to everyone who has looked at my blog! I hope it has given you insightful information, a smile or a laugh!

If anyone has anything they'd like me to post about I am open to suggestions! Write me a comment or send a message!

- Jen xo

Keep on Smiling

I know I'm supposed to be studying for my MCAT but this story was too touching to not tell.

I came back from drinks last night and walked into my building, smiling and saying good evening to the security guard as usual. He responded but also asked me to come over to his desk. I walked over and we started to talk. Little did I know I was about to have a life changing discussion.

He told me "You always greet me and say hello with the most beautiful smile, it can't help but put me in a good mood. Your happiness is very contagious. I can never tell if you're in a bad mood because even if you are you always smile and greet me the same. I wanted to tell you I really appreciate that."

I was a little shocked because I didn't think it was noticeable but I proceeded to say thank you. He then told me that a little over 2 years ago he was paralyzed and was unable to walk or eat. It was nothing of his own doing, when he was at the hospital he was mistaken for another patient and they gave him a shot which ended up paralyzing him. He had to learn to walk and talk all over again. It ended up stopping him from continuing his dream of 30 years of being a hairdresser. Again, I was shocked since if you were to look at him you would never guess that he was paralyzed.

The only way he got through that traumatizing time was being positive. He told me that I remind him of the positivity he tries to incorporate into his life. I was still standing there in disbelief since this was a lot of information to take in. He continued talking.

"I started off going to Purdue for university but because of personal problems I wasn't able to continue. I then fell in love with hairdressing. I opened up two salons and made a pretty good living. I was bringing in 7000-10,000 a week, " Wasn't too sure how I was still standing at this point. "I was really good at it. People would fly me all over the world to do hair for business meetings and movies. I've been everywhere, Asia, Europe you name it. I'm good friends with many different celebrities, we would all party together and get so drunk I wouldn't even know how I got home. But I would still open my salon at 8 am even if I was out until 5."

He proceeded to show me pictures of all of his celebrity friends from all over the world. I would have never guessed my security guard was so well known and famous. It really hit home that you should never judge anyone based on their looks or the job they're holding. You NEVER know what they've been through to get where they are now. Not only do I feel like I've made a new friend but I am grateful that I have made an impact, though small, on this mans life.

No matter how horrible your day may seem someone else could be having a worse day. Keep a smile on your face and stay positive. Positive thinking goes a long way, I learnt that last night.

Hope you enjoyed my story,

Jen