Intern in a Pandemic

Hi friends!

I haven't posted in a while but with COVID happening and trying to prepare for moving and residency. I honestly wasn't too sure what I was going to do with this blog once I finished medical school.

Maybe I'll blog about starting residency in the middle of a pandemic?

So here I go! Let me just back track. I finished my last elective at the end of February a mere 2 weeks before COVID shut down the country. I was supposed to go on a cruise to Hawaii with my mom and grandma which obviously was cancelled. I had plans to catch up and see friends I haven't been able to see since starting medical school which didn't happen. I was at home waiting for COVID to pass. I was heartbroken but also guilty?

I knew there were people who had it worse than I did and were going through tougher times than I was but I couldn't help but feel upset. To give you context, the time between finishing medical school and starting residency med students generally travel since we have no obligations for a few months before starting residency. For most of us it is the longest time we have off between college and medical school and residency is a marathon 3-5 years with limited vacation.

Being a Canadian moving to the South I was planning on renting a Uhaul and driving down with my dad but because of the border crossing being closed to everyone except essential workers I would have to do the drive alone... which I couldn't do. Plans changed again... I'd be getting a shipping container and sending large items in there and I would fly down with three suitcases in tow. Moving to a brand new state not knowing ANYONE was quite the experience. I had to build all my furniture alone, figure out my SSN (which was an adventure and a long story), rent a car, learn the area all by myself.

All while still feeling guilty.

Fast forward to orientation, my program had us present on campus but all separated by discipline so I was able to meet my co-interns and spend time with them but other programs had their orientation virtually. It made it hard to actually get to know your co-interns.

There were no resident bonding get togethers, hanging out and meeting the senior residents, it was just orientation and then starting to work in the hospital. We can't afford to get COVID and have to call out sick.

I think isolating is the best word to describe how starting has felt. I have met some of my senior residents in clinic which has been wonderful since everyone is so friendly and helpful. But building those relationships outside of the hospital and bonding in a more relaxed setting is what's missing and it's heart breaking.

This is how I've felt these past few months and I've just now been able to put it into words. I'm not sure if any other interns have had these same thoughts or feelings but if you have please share and know that you're not alone in those feelings.

- Jen

Long Time No Post

Hi Friends!

I know I've kinda fallen off the face of the earth on here... not purposefully but because honestly I haven't really known what to say. I haven't figured out how to put what I want to say into words.

Do I talk about third year and how tough it was?
Do I talk about step 2?
Do I talk about fourth year?
Do I talk about applications?
Do I talk about interview season?

HONESTLY I don't really want to talk about any of them - hence why I haven't posted.

UNTIL TODAY

I realized all I want to do is reflect on this journey so far.

It has been long and tedious. I've been more exhausted than I can imagine. I've felt more homesick than I've ever felt. I've been able to live in so many exciting and new places. I've been able to see so many beautiful sights and things. I've seen things that are unimaginable. I've met with people I've never thought I'd meet. I've had experiences that not many people have experienced.

Everything I've seen/done/experienced so far have spanned from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. From the excitement of birthing a baby that a couple has been trying for for ages to the tears of a patient coming in from a trauma. I've gone through a whole range of emotions in just one 24 hour shift. And as much as I could not imagine doing anything different in my life I've noticed how it's changed me.

Not in a bad way, but not in a good way either.

In order to get through medical school you need to be tough. That's what I was always told. Okay be tough be tough. Got through Dominica and Step One. I WAS TOUGH. Then came the hospital. In order to get through day after day after day of caring for your patients it wears you out. You have some amazing beautiful encounters and you have some not so great encounters. You have people telling you you're doing great keep it up! Then you have people questioning why you did "x, y, z".

In order for me to cope with that I "became tougher". I hardened up - if something good happened - that's fine. If something bad happened - that's fine. There were no emotions anymore. I still cared so deeply for my patients wanting to make them feel comfortable and they were being cared for. But I wouldn't allow myself to feel emotions. I wouldn't get happy, sad, mad, angry, elated, joyous, scared or even homesick. I just did. I showed up. Cared for my patients and left. I couldn't handle the moments of excitement of helping a patient to the embarrassment of doing something incorrect and being spoken to about it. So I just wouldn't let myself feel either emotion.

So yeah you have to be tough to get through medical school, I'm not saying I am but I never TRULY realized what that meant until now. I've missed too many birthdays to count. I've missed get togethers, funerals, dinners, weddings, parties... YOU NAME IT I'VE MISSED IT.

I've lost contact with dear friends, I've felt like I haven't been able to be a good friend, a good sister, daughter or granddaughter. It can feel very isolating. Yet here I am still knowing that medicine is all I ever want to do.

I know medicine online can be glorified. Flatlays, fun study sessions, cool surgeries, cute scrubs.

AND IT IS ALL OF THOSE THINGS!!!

But there is also more. There's those tears of sadness, anger, frustration. Those 2 am eureka moments. Those disorganized desks with notes everywhere and UWorld ripping apart your soul. Those silent moments after a tough case. The exciting moments with patients.

And everything in between.

And I wouldn't change it for the world.

- Jen

MS3 Core Study Resources

Hi friends!

LONG TIME NO BLOG!!! I'm so sorry I've been so incredibly busy at the hospital and studying plus I haven't really known what I could even blog about for you guys (suggestions are open).

But considering I'm on my LAST CORE ROTATION OF THIRD YEAR... where has the time gone?!

I thought I'd compile what I used to study for each core. Now this is what worked for me and how I study best (visual learning and lots of repetition).

I used Online Med Ed across the board for all of my cores. I found it isn't as detailed as what NBME's are but it is an amazing summary of topics so I'd try to watch those videos in the first week to get a good foundation for my core.

UTILIZE THE NBME's!!!! Those were great learning resources. Again I used those for every core - I'd spread them out throughout the core and take a day going through the questions afterward.

Family Med: Case Files, Online Med Ed and NBME

Peds: UWorld, Online Med Ed and NBME

Psych: Online Med Ed, UWorld, First Aid for Psychiatry and NBME

OBGYN: Online Med Ed, UWorld, Case Files(while I was on the floor on 24's I'd go through the cases), NBME

Surgery: Online Med Ed, Pestanas, NBME, UWorld(Surgery, GI, Cardio, Renal, Rheum)

Internal (Currently): I'm trying to make myself go through one organ system a week using Online Med Ed, UWorld, and Step Up to Medicine + NBME's

Apps I've Used:

• UWorld
• Epocrates: pharm app
• BMI calculator
• UpToDate
• AHRQ ePSS: screening tools depending on patient age, gender and smoking status
• MDCalc: various scores or screening tools
• Bilibaby: especially for NICU
• ABFMExamPrep: Family med questions
• VaccineSchedule
• Aquifer Cases

If there's anything else you want me to write about please let me know!

Jen

MS3.5

Hi Friends!

First of all just wanted to wish a HAPPY CANADIAN THANKSGIVING TO ALL MY CANADIAN FRIENDS AND FAMILY!

Secondly, sorry I've kind of fallen off the blogging bandwagon for the last while! Third year is no joke - work and studying never seem to end and the responsibility of being in the hospital and on your "A game" is tough. I can feel the burnout hitting as I've been studying since March with only a weekend between core rotations as a break.

After being stressed myself and seeing several other friends posting about Mental Health and Awareness I wanted to add my two cents into this discussion.

In my personal opinion, even though it is the most important, mental health always falls to the back burner of every students mind. Generally you don't realize you haven't been taking care of your own mental health until later on and you find yourself in your apartment or in the hospital on the verge of a breakdown. You feel like you cant do anything right - can't answer questions properly, can't suture, tie knots, write a proper note, do a proper history and physical... the list can go on forever.

*I can actually feel my heart rate increase as I type this*

In THAT very moment is when you think
"Can I even do this?
Will I pass this shelf?
Am I going to make it through third year let alone Step 2 CS/CK?
Will I even get a residency?
How am I going to pay for all this debt I'm in?"

This list can also go on for miles and can be applicable to any stage of medical training you're in.

9 times out of 10 THAT is when we realize we haven't taken care of ourselves. Haven't eaten properly, haven't seen anything other than the inside of the hospital and our apartment, have barely slept and don't even know what self-care is at that point.

Although it seems counter-intuitive taking a little bit of time out daily or weekly to do something for yourself can help tremendously with your productivity and attention.

I'm currently in OBGYN (delivering babies) and in my first rotation where we have 24 hour calls. So figuring out how to balance school with keeping myself sane has been difficult. I notice when I'm not taking care of myself I can't focus to save my life - let alone study. It's been a journey each rotation to figure out how best I work so I can balance studying, the hospital and my personal sanity.

After OBGYN I head into Surgery where I'll spend 7 weeks in Trauma Surgery and 5 weeks in subspecialties. Then into my final rotation of third year Internal Medicine!

Even though I've had my fair share of, "Can I do this?" moments I wouldn't trade 3rd year and my experiences for anything. I've been thoroughly enjoying NYC when I do get the chance to explore and the people I have met through the hospital.

Until next time,

Jen

Thankful

Hi my friends!

I'm halfway done my Pediatrics rotation and am currently in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) part of my rotation. The attendings I've been working with are so incredibly knowledgable and patient with me while I try to learn about Neonates.

I started noticing myself playing the dreadful "what if" game again with myself. I started comparing my journey and experience with others - and I thought to myself "Okay, if I'm doing this I'm sure others are as well" so here I am writing a blog post about it!

FIRST OF ALL, if you are reading this and you are in the medical field I wanted to say congratulations to you for choosing this path. From my very limited experience it is very rewarding but also extremely challenging. And no matter what part of your journey you are on I applaud you.

Now for some feelings I have directly towards my peers in MS3 - I know we spend all day with one another in the same hospital but in different rotations. I can almost guarantee we've all had the thought "I wish my rotation schedule was more like ____" or "I wish I had _______ attending".

I'd be lying if I said those thoughts never crossed my mind, they have, and I'll be the first to admit it.

BUT

After several different discussions I've had in the hospital with patients, nurses, residents, attendings and other students I've started to realize how thankful and lucky I am to even be on this journey. Not everyone is lucky enough to go to undergrad, get accepted to MERP, get accepted to medical school, go to medical school on a foreign island, (this felt weird to type) be fortunate enough to even write step one, rotate in a hospital, match into a program and eventually become an attending.

Some people may dream of it but are unable to attain it for whatever reason. Coming to the realization that I am lucky to be able to wake up early in the morning to go to the hospital to learn and then come home tired but still push through and study for upcoming exams has really helped my fatigued brain.

Suddenly when I've started just being thankful for being in medicine the comparisons I'd been making previously stopped - and I just wanted to experience the rotation in whatever order it had been given to me.

ANYWAYS, I need to stop procrastinating and start going through UWorld again.

- Jen

Rotation One Done

Friends!

I just finished my family medicine rotation! To say I enjoyed it would be an understatement. I’ve known I belong in primary care for a long time. I’ve always enjoyed sitting with people and learning more about them and how I could help them. After going through this rotation I’ve grown to appreciate and respect the job of a primary care doctor more than I ever did before. They can be a patients voice, their shoulder to cry on, their sounding board, their confidant, a friendly face, the only stable portion of a persons life and so much more. The role of a general practitioner has been made to be someone who just writes referrals out and moves onto another patient. After this rotation I can assure you they are so much more than that. I’ve had the opportunity to work with some of the most amazing doctors who love and care for their patients more than I can begin to describe. They came in every day with a smile on their face ready to absorb any pain or suffering their patients were going through. They guided their patients through the medical system, trying to make sense of the complexities of it.

I’ve honestly loved working with the patient population I’ve seen at my clinics and within the hospital. I have learned so much in a few short 6 weeks - I’m excited to see what I will continue to learn and grow through during my next rotation.

As I’m sure you’ve all seen through my blog so far - Medicine is tough. I’ve only known the academic aspect of it and boy that was something. Being on the other side and learning about the clinical side of medicine makes me realize how seemingly “easy” the academics were.

*anyone in the basic sciences reading this probably having serious palpitations right now trust me it’s worth it*

The learning curve is steep - trying to grab my book knowledge, multiple choice question answering brain and let it grow to allow me to see the diseases and pathology in front of me (still trying to figure it out). All while trying to learn a new location, with new people a WHOLE new environment. I’d be lying if I said it was easy. I thought, “How am I going to make it through this?” multiple times a day.

Guys, somehow... even when you think you can’t make it through it, you always do.

- Jen

Tough Times

Friends!

I'm sitting here writing this and I should be going to bed but I can't help but think. Think about MERP in August 2015 then moving to Dominica January 2016 then coming home April 2017 and finally being in IMF.

It's only been 2.5 almost 3 years but I feel like I've lived a lifetime. It's been so rewarding, frustrating, exciting and nerve-racking and I can't even begin to try to put it into words.

I always end up writing these blogs when I need to hear what I'm writing in these blogs the most. I think to myself - if I need to hear this I can only imagine others do too.

I've been thinking lately about this journey... specifically my journey but I want to include everyone on this journey. I always go back and forth in my mind about sharing my journey and being public about it because I never want someone to compare their journey with mine.

Because I know I do that.

So it got me to thinking... write a blog about it.

I've heard the line (and thought the line) "well ______ is going through ______ so I can't complain".

But when I take a step back and really think about when I say something like that I'm really putting my own personal struggles and hardships down. EVERYONE... let me say this again EVERYONE is going through their own struggles. Whether it's personal or family oriented, seemingly big or seemingly small, within your control or not. We all have things we need to deal with and none of that should ever be compared. No one should ever be little their own struggles because it seems like it's not a big deal. It's important enough for you to think about - therefore it's a big deal... to YOU.

The beauty of medicine and its journey is that everyone is going to experience it very differently. We're all going to have different paths yet we all want the same thing... that MD/DO behind our names. Some students struggles may be internal - whether it be imposter syndrome, test anxiety, lack of confidence. Or external - family, friends, personal illness. Maybe some students deal with all of the above.

My point is your journey is your journey - however bumpy or smooth, internal or external. It's yours. And you should be proud of your journey. No matter how far along your journey you are. You could be in clinical rotations, basic sciences, just getting into med school, studying for your MCAT or just starting your pre-med journey.

Be proud of where you are and what you've accomplished up to this point. Never focus on someone else's road. Be proud of you.

- Jen