Tough Times

Friends!

I'm sitting here writing this and I should be going to bed but I can't help but think. Think about MERP in August 2015 then moving to Dominica January 2016 then coming home April 2017 and finally being in IMF.

It's only been 2.5 almost 3 years but I feel like I've lived a lifetime. It's been so rewarding, frustrating, exciting and nerve-racking and I can't even begin to try to put it into words.

I always end up writing these blogs when I need to hear what I'm writing in these blogs the most. I think to myself - if I need to hear this I can only imagine others do too.

I've been thinking lately about this journey... specifically my journey but I want to include everyone on this journey. I always go back and forth in my mind about sharing my journey and being public about it because I never want someone to compare their journey with mine.

Because I know I do that.

So it got me to thinking... write a blog about it.

I've heard the line (and thought the line) "well ______ is going through ______ so I can't complain".

But when I take a step back and really think about when I say something like that I'm really putting my own personal struggles and hardships down. EVERYONE... let me say this again EVERYONE is going through their own struggles. Whether it's personal or family oriented, seemingly big or seemingly small, within your control or not. We all have things we need to deal with and none of that should ever be compared. No one should ever be little their own struggles because it seems like it's not a big deal. It's important enough for you to think about - therefore it's a big deal... to YOU.

The beauty of medicine and its journey is that everyone is going to experience it very differently. We're all going to have different paths yet we all want the same thing... that MD/DO behind our names. Some students struggles may be internal - whether it be imposter syndrome, test anxiety, lack of confidence. Or external - family, friends, personal illness. Maybe some students deal with all of the above.

My point is your journey is your journey - however bumpy or smooth, internal or external. It's yours. And you should be proud of your journey. No matter how far along your journey you are. You could be in clinical rotations, basic sciences, just getting into med school, studying for your MCAT or just starting your pre-med journey.

Be proud of where you are and what you've accomplished up to this point. Never focus on someone else's road. Be proud of you.

- Jen

An Open Letter To My Friends & Family

For those of you who are friends or family this letter is for you,

I wanted to say thank you for trying to understand what I've been going through while in medical school. I know it's kind of complex and I tend to have to explain the journey multiple times but don't apologize for asking me to explain it to you 'one more time'. It's tough to follow! Sometimes I don't even know the answers to your questions and I have to look them up myself.

I know I've been here, but not really here. Home, but not really home. Textbooks and question banks have taken over my life. I used to be so great at responding to text messages and remembering special events but all of those have been slipping my mind. Trust me, when I do remember them I feel HORRIBLE about forgetting about them on their proper day.

Thankfully, every time I do pop up from my little study hole and apologize for taking ages to respond you always understand and tell me not to worry. You don't even realize how much that means to me.

I can't even describe how much I wish I could go to all of the birthday parties, get togethers and events but studying has consumed my life right now.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL BAD FOR ME.

I made the decision to go into medical school and go through the rigorous training to become a Doctor. I knew there would be some social sacrifices that would come along with it. I fully accept that - but because of that little internal "Doctor" instinct of wanting to be there for everyone, I know I have to be selfish.

I guess a part of me wants to apologize for putting you through this too - because we are going on this journey together.

You help keep my sanity. You help when I'm stressed. You help when I've had a horrible study day. You help to lighten my mood when a test is coming up. You remind me that I am supposed to be here. You tell me I will be a great Doctor one day.


Even though you attribute this to "just being a good friend" know to me it means so much more than that. I wouldn't be where I am today without you so any of my wins are just as much yours.

Thank you for joining me on this wild ride. I promise to keep the good stories coming,

Jen

Fault vs Responsibility

Hi my friends!

I'm sorry I've been neglecting you for a while - I've been super busy with both my personal life and my academic life.

There's been a lot of stuff going on with me for the past little bit so I'll just catch you guys up!

As you all may know my grandmother passed away in the middle of May very suddenly which was a pretty eye opening and horribly sad experience. Now to add to that my dad has been recently diagnosed with Collecting Duct Renal Cell Carcinoma.

To save you the trouble from googling it, it's a rare and aggressive kidney cancer. Thankfully his family physician has caught it relatively early and he is going in to have his kidney removed this week.

Am I writing this because I want you to feel sorry for me? NO

Am I writing this because I want you to feel like my struggle is worse than others? NO

Some of you may be wondering why I'm sharing all this information? Why am I writing a blog post about this?

To keep it real with anyone reading.

Life happens. People get sick. Unfortunate things happen all the time. It may suck right now and it may not be fair right now and you may feel like the world is against you.

I recently read "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***", and a statement that the author made really stuck with me. I'm just going to try to paraphrase it and if you want to know more about it I HIGHLY suggest you read this book.

Basically there is a difference between "fault" and "responsibility". Generally we use those words simultaneously or tend to use them together but they are actually very different. Fault it from choices already made and responsibility results from choices that you're making right now.

For example (in my own situation) it's not my FAULT that my dad has cancer but the way I act/respond since he has cancer is my RESPONSIBILITY.

So needless to say it's been a busy time since I've posted on here and I've had some pretty stressful days and nights... but so has everyone else.

We all just need to notice the difference between fault and responsibility.

- Jen

Life Happens

Hello crew!

I've been home for about three weeks now and I've had lots going on in my personal life - academic wise it's been on the back burner.

After two weeks at home I had the unfortunate experience of losing my grandmother. She experienced a quite sudden death so it came as a shock to my whole family. As for me it also came with a bit of frustration because as I looked back at her care over the past few months I saw so many systems errors that could have been prevented that would have allowed my grandmother to be much more comfortable as she was passing and would have given my family much more closure as her time was coming up.

The week my grandmother ended up in the hospital, for what would be her last time, I had begun an online course to help with step prep. With everything that unfolded it wouldn't be an understatement to say that my mind was all over the place. All of my plans for studying and attacking step had flown out the window.

I was almost in a state of shock.

I just remember a wave of panic overwhelming my whole body and the thought, "Jen you cannot screw this up".

I thankfully have some amazing, beautiful friends (you know who you are) who sent loving messages daily to make me feel like I wasn't going through this alone and I would get through it.

But there was still that panic. "You have eight weeks to study for comp... you can't mess this up".

Not only was I dealing with the loss of my grandmother and the frustrations that had attached to it, but I knew I had to keep moving forward. I instantly thought back to third year university, September 2013, first week of classes when my grandfather passed away and three weeks later my dad having surgery. I thought about how I dealt with those family stresses then... and how that ended up hurting me in the long run.

I tried to act tough and pretend it never really happened. Never letting myself actually process what happened. Sure that was great at the time... but I barely got through orgo chem 1 leading me to fail orgo 2.

NOW THAT WAS ROUGH. Big huge blow to the ego. How the heck was I going to apply to medical school now that I failed orgo 2.

Flashforward 3.5 years and obviously I got through it and made it to the medical school side. Now I'm facing my "medical school application" of medical school... step one. And I do not want to make the same mistakes I made the first time I had deaths in the family. I owed it to myself to learn from my previous mistakes.

And I want you all to learn from my previous mistakes too... Life happens while you're studying. You need to learn to deal with both.

So if you have a traumatic event happen to you or someone close to you and you feel like you need to take a step back for a little to recharge and reboot then do it. Take some time and process. Trust me when I say I've tried ignoring it and it doesn't work.

I'm currently trying to take my own advice and it's hard to not get frustrated with myself when I can't stay focused.

Believe me when I say if you're dealing with something similar you aren't dealing with it alone.

- Jen

Our family before the viewing

RIP my new angel

Positivity Breeds Positivity

Hello my friends!!!

So I've been taking my time to get to writing this haha - sorry!

I wanted to wait to make sure I passed 3X before I wrote anything but I'm officially heading to my final semester of the island in January! It's been one heck of a ride since last year at this time when I was just starting my journey to the island. Thank you to everyone who has been following my stories since then!

I'm currently in Brooks, Alberta (a little town 2 hours south of Calgary) with my family because my brother plays for the Brooks Bandits and they have a game on New Years Eve! I'm super excited about that and shockingly this is the first time I've flown domestically in Canada AND the first time I've gone west of London, Ontario. So far it's been pretty windy and cold (I'm not so good with winter) but it's beautiful here. The town is small but nice and everyone is SO friendly and welcoming. I've layered up my socks and have two on at all times since one was not cutting it. As for the hockey arena here - it is BEAUTIFUL. Looks like a professional rink and by far the nicest I've been in, and I sat in my fair share of arenas growing up.

ANYWAYS back to medicine! The mental break has been so nice and SO NECESSARY. I can't stress taking a mental break enough. You think you can just powerhouse through it and you don't need to take a break but your mind needs it. If your school gives you time in your schedule or between semesters UTILIZE THAT BREAK or you will burn out! Mind you I have started looking at my Cardiology section of First Aid (since yesterday) just to start refreshing my memory before my cardiology block in 4X! Although cardio is a difficult block and very conceptual I am interested in it and I do find it pretty darn cool.

I don't think I've actually fully processed the fact that I am heading into my final semester on the island... after this one island life is done. That's pretty scary to think about. I still feel like a medical baby. I'm also shocked at the amount of information we've packed into our minds in the last year. It's absolutely crazy and I still shock myself when I sit down and explain something to a friend or family.

When I sit back and think about how much things have changed in the past year it scares me but also makes me feel incredibly excited. If you put your mind to something and believe you can do it you will be shocked at how much things can change for you in a year. There's no reason to think you are unable to do something just because someone may have said you are unqualified or "it'll never happen". My own situation is a prime example and I use my brother - who has had MANY trials and tribulations himself - as my inspiration to keep pushing.

I'm cutting this short so I can catch the end of my brothers practice but PLEASE never give up hope or faith. You can and you will do it!

Jen

That arena...

One Month Left

Hey guys!

It's been about a month since you've heard from me (sorry about that) but I've been a busy little medical student over here! We just had a very heavy, and very interesting, Heme and Lymph and MSK block and mini. Now we are in our GI block and then we have Reproductive and then third semester will be over!

I don't know about the rest of my class but I am starting to feel the burn of basically being in school for a year straight (including MERP). I think no matter how much you try to avoid it it will hit you at one point and from then on it's a pure endurance battle. Waking up in the morning is a little harder, easy concepts seem so much more difficult, going home seems painfully far away and stress levels keep rising.

It gets tough and nothing really ever prepares you for it. One of my good friends posted an article saying to go into medicine because you want to go into medicine, not because you have stellar grades or your parents want you to or you want to make money. None of that will get you through medical school. The only thing that will get you through will be your desire to become a doctor. This got me to thinking - what were my thoughts before I got into medical school. How did I interpret becoming a doctor and more importantly medical school?

So I started rummaging through my inbox with the hopes of finding my MD Essay.

Here's a little bit of that essay. I know it's helping me out right now to read it again and to realize all you need to do is fight.

"My road to fourth year has required significant focus and I have been faced with many different challenges along the way. The identity crisis in my very first semester, realizing that what I had envisioned myself studying was not actually what I wanted to do alarmed me tremendously. I found I struggled with identifying who I was. During my whole high school career it seemed obvious that I would study Mechanical Engineering. When I came to the realization that I had no passion for it, it made me extremely nervous and uncomfortable. What would I do without the identity I had developed over the past four years? I had to find something else to be passionate about and that I would enjoy studying that was not Robotics or Mechanical Engineering. With a lot of support from my friends and family I realized that all along I enjoyed the movement of objects, not necessarily robotic objects, but human movement.

After dealing with my identity crisis in first year and transferring into Kinesiology I was finally getting my feet on the ground and I began to feel like myself again. I loved my classes, and found that I was excited to learn again. Unfortunately, I received devastating news of the passing of a very close family member right before my finals in December 2012 - the first half of my second year. Even though I tried to put up a strong front, this death affected me. Not soon after, in September 2013, my grandfather passed away from cancer. I was very close to my grandfather and although he had been battling cancer for a number of years I was still shocked and heartbroken. In that same month my father had heart surgery, which also took a toll on my schooling. And regrettably my father required a second heart surgery in November 2013. I did all that I could to focus on my schoolwork. Ultimately maybe I should have let myself heal from all of those traumatic experiences, but my education is very important to me and I knew if I could get through all this I would emerge a stronger and better person.

Through the tough times I strived to keep a smile on my face and a positive outlook on life. Looking back at my life, I realized that if I didn’t go through the tough times I wouldn’t be who I am today. The tough times made me realize how beautiful life is and how one smile can make a massive impact on someone’s day.

If I could pinpoint a specific time that made my passion for medicine grow it would have to be during the year 2013 when I had multiple stressors in my life. That was when I came to the conclusion that there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to pursue a career in medicine. If I could alleviate someone’s pain, or brighten someone’s day and be lucky enough to call that my job I would never have to work a day in my life."

- Jen

My mom and grandma visited me today :)

You CAN do it.

Hello my friends!

I've been living in my classroom studying my life away (more so than usual). Third is turning out to be one busy semester but we're getting more into the clinical and pathological aspects of medicine so it is VERY interesting.

I haven't written a post because I've been finding it kind of difficult to find some inspiration to write. Normally I'd write about keeping the motivation high and remembering why you did this... but since I couldn't even practice that skill myself I felt like theres no way I could write about it. I'm feeling the toll school has taken on me mentally and physically. I've been so tired, with no amount of coffee or sleep helping.

I've pretty much hit a rut.

And I feel like everyone around me has felt like they've gotten into a rut too. Every time I see something like this happening around me I try and think about what good will come from this.

Over the past three weeks I have had multiple conversations with multiple people about how stressed they are and how they don't feel motivated.

I noticed a trend - when people were consoling me about if I could get through it they were so positive and motivational. They had all the confidence that I could pull this off. But when the conversation turned and we were talking about them, their mood changed and the positivity and confidence faded. Which pulls me back to a conversation I had with a good friend about confidence. She told me a quote and I will never forget it...

"You need to learn to be your own best friend"

And I thought, how powerful is that? It should be so easy - yet it is one of the hardest things to do.

I'm guilty of it - friends and family continuously tell me, "Jennifer you're more than capable of this" but I'm my own toughest critic and things that make my parents more proud than they already are just make me shrug my shoulders. 

So I challenge you, and I will continue to challenge myself to try to become my own best friend.

- Jen

Hometown Family To Island Family

I recently got a question; "how do you handle being so far away from home, away from friends and family, on an island by yourself with only being able to study?"

I know I had this question before I came down to Dominica and it really festered in my mind, kept me up at night, and made me really worry. I was fortunate enough to know the other students in my MERP Canada class so that calmed some of my nerves but I was still nervous.

"All my friends are at home, I only know 10 people, my family is nowhere near, I can't go home on weekends like in undergrad" ... all these thoughts (and more) passed through my mind night after night as the big departure date was coming.

My mom came down with me and stayed for two weeks, and dad was able to come for the second week my mom was here - I couldn't have been happier to have them here as I settled in to a new country. But let me tell you - the night they were leaving I bawled my little eyes out. I was so upset. They were my last bit of home left on this island - and they were going BACK home. I was devastated - but with the pace of the material here you need to keep on track and trudge forward.

As the semester continued on and days were spent in a classroom or library time flew by and many new friendships were made. The best thing about being down in Dominica is that everybody is dealing with the same things you are. We have the same classes, same professors, same amount of work we need to do and most importantly we're all far away from home.

And you bond over that. You find your tribe, as I like to call my friends, because they are there day in and day out like a family. My island family has been with me through just about every type of emotion you can think of. When things get tough we band together and support one another.

I know for a fact there is no way I would have gotten through first semester on my own and I can thank each and every classmate for putting a smile on my face at one point in time last semester and this semester. My heart is so full with the love I have for my friends here.

I honestly didn't know how things would be down on the island.

Are the students going to be cut throat?
Are the upper semesters going to be intimidating?

The answer to both questions is no. I've never met a group of more supportive and encouraging group of students.

Do I still get homesick and wish I was with my family? Absolutely, there are good days and there are bad - but I've always got my second family here in Dominica and they mean the world to me.

Jen

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

Hi friends!

Just thought I’d throw in a blog post before I go into an intense month filled with exams, finals, practical’s and classes. If you want to know what I’ve been up to – I’ve just been studying away in my cubicle in the library. I will take some time off and enjoy the outdoors (the beach) or go for a work out.

The reason I’m writing this blog post is to thank all of the beautiful people I have in my life.

For those of you who don’t know my father is going in for a third heart catheterization on Monday and it’s been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster for me. But there is no way I could be where I am mentally without the amazing friends I have in my life both on and off the island. From the moment I found out that my dad was going to have to go in for another surgery I have received nothing but total love and support from everyone around me. From a hug, to a “I’ll send prayers to him”, to a smile, to any other kind words that have come out of my friends mouths I just want you all to know how grateful I am to have you all in my life.

There is nowhere I’d rather be than at home with my family but being here is the second best place I could be. I could have never imagined the support and family like vibes I would receive here (after only a month). But it brings me to tears… I’m trying to hold mine back as I write this in the library.

After going through all of this and being on the receiving end of such kindness, it really solidified to me that a smile can make a persons day. You never know what people may be going through in their personal life. I always try to keep a smile on my face and share kind words with friends and acquaintances but I am making sure that no matter how stressed out or frustrated I am – I will always share a smile, or a hug with my friends around me.

There is no way you can get through this program alone. Use your friends for support, guidance and love. They’re not family – but they’re the closest you’ve got to it on the island.

Love you all,

Jen