Intern in a Pandemic

Hi friends!

I haven't posted in a while but with COVID happening and trying to prepare for moving and residency. I honestly wasn't too sure what I was going to do with this blog once I finished medical school.

Maybe I'll blog about starting residency in the middle of a pandemic?

So here I go! Let me just back track. I finished my last elective at the end of February a mere 2 weeks before COVID shut down the country. I was supposed to go on a cruise to Hawaii with my mom and grandma which obviously was cancelled. I had plans to catch up and see friends I haven't been able to see since starting medical school which didn't happen. I was at home waiting for COVID to pass. I was heartbroken but also guilty?

I knew there were people who had it worse than I did and were going through tougher times than I was but I couldn't help but feel upset. To give you context, the time between finishing medical school and starting residency med students generally travel since we have no obligations for a few months before starting residency. For most of us it is the longest time we have off between college and medical school and residency is a marathon 3-5 years with limited vacation.

Being a Canadian moving to the South I was planning on renting a Uhaul and driving down with my dad but because of the border crossing being closed to everyone except essential workers I would have to do the drive alone... which I couldn't do. Plans changed again... I'd be getting a shipping container and sending large items in there and I would fly down with three suitcases in tow. Moving to a brand new state not knowing ANYONE was quite the experience. I had to build all my furniture alone, figure out my SSN (which was an adventure and a long story), rent a car, learn the area all by myself.

All while still feeling guilty.

Fast forward to orientation, my program had us present on campus but all separated by discipline so I was able to meet my co-interns and spend time with them but other programs had their orientation virtually. It made it hard to actually get to know your co-interns.

There were no resident bonding get togethers, hanging out and meeting the senior residents, it was just orientation and then starting to work in the hospital. We can't afford to get COVID and have to call out sick.

I think isolating is the best word to describe how starting has felt. I have met some of my senior residents in clinic which has been wonderful since everyone is so friendly and helpful. But building those relationships outside of the hospital and bonding in a more relaxed setting is what's missing and it's heart breaking.

This is how I've felt these past few months and I've just now been able to put it into words. I'm not sure if any other interns have had these same thoughts or feelings but if you have please share and know that you're not alone in those feelings.

- Jen

MS3.5

Hi Friends!

First of all just wanted to wish a HAPPY CANADIAN THANKSGIVING TO ALL MY CANADIAN FRIENDS AND FAMILY!

Secondly, sorry I've kind of fallen off the blogging bandwagon for the last while! Third year is no joke - work and studying never seem to end and the responsibility of being in the hospital and on your "A game" is tough. I can feel the burnout hitting as I've been studying since March with only a weekend between core rotations as a break.

After being stressed myself and seeing several other friends posting about Mental Health and Awareness I wanted to add my two cents into this discussion.

In my personal opinion, even though it is the most important, mental health always falls to the back burner of every students mind. Generally you don't realize you haven't been taking care of your own mental health until later on and you find yourself in your apartment or in the hospital on the verge of a breakdown. You feel like you cant do anything right - can't answer questions properly, can't suture, tie knots, write a proper note, do a proper history and physical... the list can go on forever.

*I can actually feel my heart rate increase as I type this*

In THAT very moment is when you think
"Can I even do this?
Will I pass this shelf?
Am I going to make it through third year let alone Step 2 CS/CK?
Will I even get a residency?
How am I going to pay for all this debt I'm in?"

This list can also go on for miles and can be applicable to any stage of medical training you're in.

9 times out of 10 THAT is when we realize we haven't taken care of ourselves. Haven't eaten properly, haven't seen anything other than the inside of the hospital and our apartment, have barely slept and don't even know what self-care is at that point.

Although it seems counter-intuitive taking a little bit of time out daily or weekly to do something for yourself can help tremendously with your productivity and attention.

I'm currently in OBGYN (delivering babies) and in my first rotation where we have 24 hour calls. So figuring out how to balance school with keeping myself sane has been difficult. I notice when I'm not taking care of myself I can't focus to save my life - let alone study. It's been a journey each rotation to figure out how best I work so I can balance studying, the hospital and my personal sanity.

After OBGYN I head into Surgery where I'll spend 7 weeks in Trauma Surgery and 5 weeks in subspecialties. Then into my final rotation of third year Internal Medicine!

Even though I've had my fair share of, "Can I do this?" moments I wouldn't trade 3rd year and my experiences for anything. I've been thoroughly enjoying NYC when I do get the chance to explore and the people I have met through the hospital.

Until next time,

Jen

Thankful

Hi my friends!

I'm halfway done my Pediatrics rotation and am currently in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) part of my rotation. The attendings I've been working with are so incredibly knowledgable and patient with me while I try to learn about Neonates.

I started noticing myself playing the dreadful "what if" game again with myself. I started comparing my journey and experience with others - and I thought to myself "Okay, if I'm doing this I'm sure others are as well" so here I am writing a blog post about it!

FIRST OF ALL, if you are reading this and you are in the medical field I wanted to say congratulations to you for choosing this path. From my very limited experience it is very rewarding but also extremely challenging. And no matter what part of your journey you are on I applaud you.

Now for some feelings I have directly towards my peers in MS3 - I know we spend all day with one another in the same hospital but in different rotations. I can almost guarantee we've all had the thought "I wish my rotation schedule was more like ____" or "I wish I had _______ attending".

I'd be lying if I said those thoughts never crossed my mind, they have, and I'll be the first to admit it.

BUT

After several different discussions I've had in the hospital with patients, nurses, residents, attendings and other students I've started to realize how thankful and lucky I am to even be on this journey. Not everyone is lucky enough to go to undergrad, get accepted to MERP, get accepted to medical school, go to medical school on a foreign island, (this felt weird to type) be fortunate enough to even write step one, rotate in a hospital, match into a program and eventually become an attending.

Some people may dream of it but are unable to attain it for whatever reason. Coming to the realization that I am lucky to be able to wake up early in the morning to go to the hospital to learn and then come home tired but still push through and study for upcoming exams has really helped my fatigued brain.

Suddenly when I've started just being thankful for being in medicine the comparisons I'd been making previously stopped - and I just wanted to experience the rotation in whatever order it had been given to me.

ANYWAYS, I need to stop procrastinating and start going through UWorld again.

- Jen

An Open Letter To My Friends & Family

For those of you who are friends or family this letter is for you,

I wanted to say thank you for trying to understand what I've been going through while in medical school. I know it's kind of complex and I tend to have to explain the journey multiple times but don't apologize for asking me to explain it to you 'one more time'. It's tough to follow! Sometimes I don't even know the answers to your questions and I have to look them up myself.

I know I've been here, but not really here. Home, but not really home. Textbooks and question banks have taken over my life. I used to be so great at responding to text messages and remembering special events but all of those have been slipping my mind. Trust me, when I do remember them I feel HORRIBLE about forgetting about them on their proper day.

Thankfully, every time I do pop up from my little study hole and apologize for taking ages to respond you always understand and tell me not to worry. You don't even realize how much that means to me.

I can't even describe how much I wish I could go to all of the birthday parties, get togethers and events but studying has consumed my life right now.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL BAD FOR ME.

I made the decision to go into medical school and go through the rigorous training to become a Doctor. I knew there would be some social sacrifices that would come along with it. I fully accept that - but because of that little internal "Doctor" instinct of wanting to be there for everyone, I know I have to be selfish.

I guess a part of me wants to apologize for putting you through this too - because we are going on this journey together.

You help keep my sanity. You help when I'm stressed. You help when I've had a horrible study day. You help to lighten my mood when a test is coming up. You remind me that I am supposed to be here. You tell me I will be a great Doctor one day.


Even though you attribute this to "just being a good friend" know to me it means so much more than that. I wouldn't be where I am today without you so any of my wins are just as much yours.

Thank you for joining me on this wild ride. I promise to keep the good stories coming,

Jen

It Takes a Village

Hi my friends!

Just thought I'd do a little update and share some wisdom I've learned over the past few months.

So for those of you who have been reading my blogs or looking at my social media this may be redundant, but for any new faces around here I've been going through the hardest four months of my life. I've been studying for boards, my grandmother passed away suddenly and my father was diagnosed with cancer... again.

I didn't come on here to write some sob story about how difficult my life is right now hoping whoever reads this feels sorry for me.

I came on here to talk about getting through this journey we call medical school and life. Medical school is hard enough as it is but add life into the mix and you have a whole new ball game. It's tiring mentally, emotionally, psychologically, physically - it's a lot. Not only being in medical school is hard but getting into medical school is tough too.

I know there is no magic formula that anyone can tell you that will guarantee that you will get into medical school. BUT I do know one thing that will make you last through your pre med and medical years.

A support system.

I don't want to admit the amount of times I've messaged my friends over the past 2 years saying "That's it I'm done. I don't think I can do this". From my undergrad, to MERP to the island to now.

You know who has brought me back up every one of those times? My friends and family.

I've found that my friends in medical school and from back home has been so very helpful to me in so many different ways. Everyone in medical school is going through the same experiences. They can relate to the obstacles that I'm going through right now. Compared to my friends who are not in medical school, they always show me how to look at my situation from a different perspective. Ways I'd never look at these issues before.

I know it is so easy to lock yourself up in your room and study your life away because your stress levels are so high (I've been there and done that). After a while that gets lonely and isolating and you start to feel disconnected from the world.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is if you're frustrated or having a bad day you should never feel bad messaging a friend or family member to talk about it. I know that is the only way I've gotten to this point in one piece.

I've utilized my friends and family more days than not during my schooling and they always help. Whether it's a new perspective, a calming influence, a "I feel you man" or one medical students are VERY GOOD at doing for others but not themselves - giving you confidence.

No one goes through this journey alone. Behind every successful doctor and student is a village of people who have supported them and helped them get there.

- Jen

Life Happens

Hello crew!

I've been home for about three weeks now and I've had lots going on in my personal life - academic wise it's been on the back burner.

After two weeks at home I had the unfortunate experience of losing my grandmother. She experienced a quite sudden death so it came as a shock to my whole family. As for me it also came with a bit of frustration because as I looked back at her care over the past few months I saw so many systems errors that could have been prevented that would have allowed my grandmother to be much more comfortable as she was passing and would have given my family much more closure as her time was coming up.

The week my grandmother ended up in the hospital, for what would be her last time, I had begun an online course to help with step prep. With everything that unfolded it wouldn't be an understatement to say that my mind was all over the place. All of my plans for studying and attacking step had flown out the window.

I was almost in a state of shock.

I just remember a wave of panic overwhelming my whole body and the thought, "Jen you cannot screw this up".

I thankfully have some amazing, beautiful friends (you know who you are) who sent loving messages daily to make me feel like I wasn't going through this alone and I would get through it.

But there was still that panic. "You have eight weeks to study for comp... you can't mess this up".

Not only was I dealing with the loss of my grandmother and the frustrations that had attached to it, but I knew I had to keep moving forward. I instantly thought back to third year university, September 2013, first week of classes when my grandfather passed away and three weeks later my dad having surgery. I thought about how I dealt with those family stresses then... and how that ended up hurting me in the long run.

I tried to act tough and pretend it never really happened. Never letting myself actually process what happened. Sure that was great at the time... but I barely got through orgo chem 1 leading me to fail orgo 2.

NOW THAT WAS ROUGH. Big huge blow to the ego. How the heck was I going to apply to medical school now that I failed orgo 2.

Flashforward 3.5 years and obviously I got through it and made it to the medical school side. Now I'm facing my "medical school application" of medical school... step one. And I do not want to make the same mistakes I made the first time I had deaths in the family. I owed it to myself to learn from my previous mistakes.

And I want you all to learn from my previous mistakes too... Life happens while you're studying. You need to learn to deal with both.

So if you have a traumatic event happen to you or someone close to you and you feel like you need to take a step back for a little to recharge and reboot then do it. Take some time and process. Trust me when I say I've tried ignoring it and it doesn't work.

I'm currently trying to take my own advice and it's hard to not get frustrated with myself when I can't stay focused.

Believe me when I say if you're dealing with something similar you aren't dealing with it alone.

- Jen

Our family before the viewing

RIP my new angel

Find your Tribe

Hey guys!

So I was asked a really good question and I thought it would give me a perfect opportunity to write a blog post.

"How do you keep going when people doubt you?"

I have a long and a short answer to this one...

In short - DON'T LISTEN TO THEM!

Now my longer response. Everyone I've spoken to has had their fair share of people who didn't believe in them or didn't think that they would be able to get to whatever their dream goal was. I can only speak from my own experience but I've had my own non-believers in my life. It's difficult when you are seeing any sort of academic advisors and they tell you to "quit" or "drop out" or "try again later". So negative... and such a bone breaking way to crush someones soul. Coming back from situations like that are very difficult. But it all boils down to your support system.

I've been so incredibly grateful that my friends and family have always stood behind my back 150%. Whether they be at home (hi Mom, Dad, Alex and Babcia!), on the other side of the country (hi Mary Anne!) or on the other side of the world (hi Susan!) I know I have people who have so much belief and faith in me that it just keeps me going.

But back to getting over that initial soul crushing moment - it's going to be hard... and it will never get easier when someone says you can't do something. Turn those emotions around and take all that sadness and all of those tears and fight. Do everything you can to prove that person wrong. So what if they don't think you can make it into medical school. Half of the time they may not really even know what it takes to get into medical school (other than your usual GPA and MCAT statistics). And find someone who does believe in you.

I've been so fortunate that my parents have always told me to follow my dreams and they will always be there for me. Internally that wasn't enough. I wanted someone from an academic standpoint to believe in me too. Fortunately I was able to find professors who believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself. And I want to say thank you to them - for writing my letters of recommendation, letting me sit in your office to talk, welcoming me into your lab and for most importantly not putting any weight on my transcript and basing their opinion on me after knowing me as a person and as a student.

All in all - you will have people who will doubt you or criticize you on the way but take everything they say with a grain of salt and keep on pursuing your dreams.

- Jen

Finding Dory in Dominica

Hello friends!

Just writing to you after my first weekend off since coming to the island! We just finished our Neurology block - we had our practical exam on Wednesday and our Mini on Friday. I think I can speak for my whole class in saying that we've been waiting for this weekend since first semester. Even though we had no classes this week it was a tough week. I find neuro very interesting but there was so much information to try and cram into our heads. After this semester I'm 100% certain we deserved this weekend off (even though it went by in the blink of an eye).

Second semester has been tough I'm not going to lie. I'm not very strong in Physiology and this is a very Physiology dense semester. I've been working my butt of to try and grasp this information as much as I possibly can (along with trying to figure out how to get more hours in my day - if anyone has an answer please let me know).

This weekend was so relaxing - but we also had a lot of fun! On Friday night we went to a Paediatrics Student Auction where my friends and I were auctioned off for 2400 EC - approximately 860 USD. We were so excited that we were able to raise that much money for a child on the island to have a heart surgery.

On Saturday we spent the afternoon Snorkelling in Cabrits National Park. It was a nice boat ride - three hours and two different reefs. The water was so blue, clear and stunning - one thing that I love so much about the island. I'd never been snorkelling before so I was so excited to finally go and cross that off my bucket list.

Today I had a nice sleep in and a brunch at my favourite breakfast place called Aunty Graces. A group of us then went to a lazy river past the airport and just enjoyed nature - admiring our Jurassic Park Island.

I still sit here in total awe of where I am studying medicine. Not only am I living out my dream of becoming a doctor but I also get to do it on a stunning island. As I've mentioned before it can be frustrating because it's not like home and we don't have the same things readily available but the island itself is so beautiful. It's very easy to get caught up in the little bubble surrounding campus and you don't even realize it but it wears you out. It's always go-go-go around here and you don't ever get much time to just relax and not do anything.

I know I surely needed this weekend to pull everything back together and regain some mental sanity. These next four weeks are going to be long and difficult but I need to keep pushing through. I always tell you guys I keep it totally honest here and I'm going to keep it that way. I'm mentally exhausted and I'm nervous for the next two blocks we have, Endocrine and Reproductive Systems. I haven't had too much exposure to either so it's going to be a larger learning curve for me. All we can really do is keep moving forward and stay positive.

Jen

Snorkelling

The Upper Deck

Food my parents sent

Sunsets

Study Day

Snorkelling

Snorkelling

Snorkelling

Snorkelling

Tubing

Just Go For It.

Hello friends!

I'm writing this after my last mini of semester one of medical school (I still feel weird when I say I'm in medical school)! It's been a long (yet somewhat short) ride but I'm in the final stretch.

I've had this thought brewing in my mind for the past week and I thought I would share it with you all. I remember when I was applying to University thinking to myself  "I wonder if I've done all I can to prepare for this?" - and that same thought crossed my mind before I came down to start my medical school journey. Since that thought crossed my mind for a second time, and many times throughout this semester, I've realized that there are some things you cannot completely prepare for.

Yes, you can take pre-requisite courses and read every self help book and blog that people have written but until you've experienced the experience yourself you don't know how you're going to react. I thought I had mentally prepared for medical school and the amount of work we were going to have to go through, "I went to MERP, that was a great stepping stone, I'm so set for this!"

I was partially correct. Yes, MERP did help with my organization, note taking skills, study product skills, test taking skills ect ect. but unless you've gone to medical school you don't know what medical school is like.

You don't know how you will feel after sitting in class for four hours and then going directly to the library to re-learn the material until you go to sleep and then repeat that the next day.

You don't know how you will handle loads of information coming your way, some of it you pick up quickly, some it takes more time. And then balancing what you're learning and what you need to review in order to prepare for up coming exams.

I think the best way to approach medical school, or anything you haven't been exposed to before, is with humility and an open mind. You will never be the only person sitting in the library thinking "How the heck am I going to do this?!" - EVERYONE is thinking it. Everyone has topics they are stronger in - whether it's because they did their undergrad/masters in that field or just out of pure interest in certain subject areas.

Use your classmates and friends for help. We're all going through it together. I could talk someones ear off about biomechanics of movement or the gait cycle or the limbs... but talk to me about biochemistry and that conversation won't last long. I never really used my friends to help me understand concepts in undergrad and I really wish I would have just sucked up the fact that I can't know everything and asked for help. It's very easy to earn points on an exam if you just ask your friend if you understand a concept correctly.

We're all going through it together, and we will all do it together.

My friend group has become my family, and family sticks together through good times and bad.

So lets go rock our last week of first semester!

Jen

21 Days to Relocation

Helloooooo friends!

Since I've written Mini 3 I have been going non-stop getting ready for the big move down to Dominica. Not only am I working full time (until the 19th) but I'm packing, organizing my visa application and most importantly trying to see everyone I care about before I leave.

I know that last task is impossible but I'm doing my best.

I honestly thought this day would never come. I've always had a part of me that wanted to travel and experience difference parts of the world but that time has never come - until now. I know it's going to be an adjustment, I won't have the same comforts as I do at home (bread is $15.00 - I'll be living without carbs) but it'll be an adventure.

Half of this adventure is figuring out what I'm going to need while I'm down there. I can't pack for this like I do vacations - the night before - it takes weeks of planning. Here's a rough list of things I'm bringing down:

- Paper, spiral note books, pens, pencils, highlighters, post its, apple chargers, shampoo/conditioner, body wash, toothbrushes, toothpaste, razors, shorts, t-shirts, 1 sweater, socks, running shoes, birks, hiking boots, insect repellant, filtering water bottle, mosquito netting, canteens, sunscreen, hats, workout attire, summer dresses, peanut butter, nutella, crackers, granola bars, sheets, pillows, kleenex, toilet paper, aloe vera, coffee, french press, rain jacket, old textbooks

And that's all I can think of off the top of my head. As you can see I'm bringing everything down that I possibly can. Not only regular things to bring on a trip but also ALL of my schooling materials plus extra.

I'll be flying out January 1st at 6:25 am - here's to an amazing last few weeks in the homeland!

Jen

Fall Seven Times - Get Up Eight

Hello friends!

I've officially reached the mid point of MERP. So far I've completed seven weeks of intensive studying, coffee drinking and lack of sleeping. Those of you who have tried to talk to me, or hang out, know how difficult it is to get in touch with me now.

I remember reading that in order to succeed in medicine (or I guess anything for that matter) you must totally commit yourself to it. I don't think I've ever pushed myself this much - and been so critical on myself - in my academic career. We've been told repetitively that this program is a walk in a park compared to what the island is going to be like.

AKA

If you think it's difficult to get in touch with me now just wait until I'm living in a third world country and have gotten invested in my school work down there. I will apologize in advance.

As I have reached the middle of the semester morale has been dropping - fear and anxiety has started to set in. I'm starting to feel all of the information I've fit into my brain, the late nights trying to understand trouble topics, and reality setting in that I could be leaving to finally achieve my dreams of becoming a doctor.

I'm writing this to anyone, and to remind myself, who is going through a stressful time that all of your hard work will pay off. Sometimes it's hard to see all you have achieved when you are so fixated on something minor you cannot figure out.

Take a step back.

Look at the big picture.

Look at how far you come and how much closer you are at achieving whatever it is you want to do.

Every road is going to have speed bumps, but don't put them there yourself. Keep your head down and work hard - but also don't forget to take a step back and enjoy yourself every once and a while. Trust me from experience, nothing is more frustrating than trying to do work when you are mentally burnt out.

What are some things you guys do to boost your morale or take a break from work?

- Jen

Brace yourselves - Mini 1 is here.

Hey guys!

I was planning on blogging once a week - I promise - but I quickly realized that it would not be possible. The work piles on quickly. As I mentioned before for two lectures a day I am doing a significant amount of work in the evening to stay on top of my studies. Here's a typical day.

6:30 am - wake up
6:31 am - make coffee
8:00 am - 2:00 pm - classes
3:00 pm - gym
4:00 pm - study
7:00 pm - dinner
7:30 pm - 11:00 pm - study

And then do it all over again the next day. One important thing that has been drilled into our heads is to keep on top of your school work. Even if that means you staying up later to finish your notes for that day you should do it. In undergrad I would aim to stay on top of rewriting my notes on a daily basis buuuuuut if I happened to click on an episode of Greys Anatomy instead I wouldn't be too concerned.

I told myself I was still technically learning since it is a medical show ;)

It's impossible to do that in medical school. The vast amount of work that is given to you - and that you need to learn gives you little to no time to binge watch Greys Anatomy or whatever other TV show you Netflix in your spare time.

Now I should probably get back to studying and practice what I preach.

Until after mini 1!

Jen

Medical School Week 1

Hello friends!

I just finished my first quiz of medical school along with my first week of medical school. Let me just emphasize one thing...

I was not ready for that.

The difference between undergrad and medical school is astounding. You can think you will prepare all you want but it will never be enough until you're actually there. The information comes at you much quicker and you have to do a lot of the work on your own.

For example - I have two two hour classes a day. That easily amplifies to 4 + hours of work in the evening.

Is the work impossible? No - but it is a lot.

Along with the fact that you can no longer memorize and regurgitate information. The questions asked are testing your clinical knowledge - you can know a biological pathway theoretically but would you be able to notice it in a clinical question?

That's all for now! Let me know if there is anything you'd like me to specifically talk about.

- Jen

Post Grad Life

Hey guys!

I am writing to you after my first week of work at the clinic. It's been a long week with lots of new things to learn but I have gotten through it. The area where I work is very pretty and there is a stunning park with access to the boardwalk, which I always go to before work (with a starbucks blonde misto in hand) ;).

Everyone in the clinic has been very warm and welcoming, doctors, physiotherapists, clients, massage therapists, chiropractors and the other admin staff. So far I have enjoyed every minute of having a "big girl job".

Some may wonder why I would work at a sports med clinic as an admin staff:

a) In order to work with clients I need a license (obviously I don't have one)
b) I want to see the behind the scenes activity so that one day when I am that doctor at a sports med clinic I can appreciate the admin staff and all of the hard work they do to keep the clinic in order

Other than working my butt off and trying to get my brain back to fully functioning power I've just been enjoying my summer. I've joined a group of students I'll be going to school with in the Fall and a lot of them have been asking if they should be studying before going.

There has been a lot of mixed responses on this topic but I will leave you what my orthopaedic surgeon told me...

"Do good work, have fun, and learn every day"

- Jen