Long Time No Post

Hi Friends!

I know I've kinda fallen off the face of the earth on here... not purposefully but because honestly I haven't really known what to say. I haven't figured out how to put what I want to say into words.

Do I talk about third year and how tough it was?
Do I talk about step 2?
Do I talk about fourth year?
Do I talk about applications?
Do I talk about interview season?

HONESTLY I don't really want to talk about any of them - hence why I haven't posted.

UNTIL TODAY

I realized all I want to do is reflect on this journey so far.

It has been long and tedious. I've been more exhausted than I can imagine. I've felt more homesick than I've ever felt. I've been able to live in so many exciting and new places. I've been able to see so many beautiful sights and things. I've seen things that are unimaginable. I've met with people I've never thought I'd meet. I've had experiences that not many people have experienced.

Everything I've seen/done/experienced so far have spanned from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. From the excitement of birthing a baby that a couple has been trying for for ages to the tears of a patient coming in from a trauma. I've gone through a whole range of emotions in just one 24 hour shift. And as much as I could not imagine doing anything different in my life I've noticed how it's changed me.

Not in a bad way, but not in a good way either.

In order to get through medical school you need to be tough. That's what I was always told. Okay be tough be tough. Got through Dominica and Step One. I WAS TOUGH. Then came the hospital. In order to get through day after day after day of caring for your patients it wears you out. You have some amazing beautiful encounters and you have some not so great encounters. You have people telling you you're doing great keep it up! Then you have people questioning why you did "x, y, z".

In order for me to cope with that I "became tougher". I hardened up - if something good happened - that's fine. If something bad happened - that's fine. There were no emotions anymore. I still cared so deeply for my patients wanting to make them feel comfortable and they were being cared for. But I wouldn't allow myself to feel emotions. I wouldn't get happy, sad, mad, angry, elated, joyous, scared or even homesick. I just did. I showed up. Cared for my patients and left. I couldn't handle the moments of excitement of helping a patient to the embarrassment of doing something incorrect and being spoken to about it. So I just wouldn't let myself feel either emotion.

So yeah you have to be tough to get through medical school, I'm not saying I am but I never TRULY realized what that meant until now. I've missed too many birthdays to count. I've missed get togethers, funerals, dinners, weddings, parties... YOU NAME IT I'VE MISSED IT.

I've lost contact with dear friends, I've felt like I haven't been able to be a good friend, a good sister, daughter or granddaughter. It can feel very isolating. Yet here I am still knowing that medicine is all I ever want to do.

I know medicine online can be glorified. Flatlays, fun study sessions, cool surgeries, cute scrubs.

AND IT IS ALL OF THOSE THINGS!!!

But there is also more. There's those tears of sadness, anger, frustration. Those 2 am eureka moments. Those disorganized desks with notes everywhere and UWorld ripping apart your soul. Those silent moments after a tough case. The exciting moments with patients.

And everything in between.

And I wouldn't change it for the world.

- Jen

Getting ready for 3X

Hello my friends!!

I sit here the day after the heavily spoken about and internationally known boiling lake hike and let me tell you... muscles I didn't know could hurt are hurting.

As some of you may have seen on the news we're getting hit by a tropical depression Gaston. Winds are strong and there is a significant amount of rain falling. The weather wasn't as bad yesterday therefore we continued on with our hike.

The base of the hike is about 6.5 miles east of Rosseau (the capital of Dominica) so approximately 1.5 hour drive. The first part of the hike is through a heavily wooded area, with little steps for you to walk on guiding you to a small river where we had our first break. We sat there to cool off, hydrate and eat some food.

Next we hiked 1 km (1000 m) up. That was probably the most tiring part of this whole hike. It allowed me to do a lot of thinking (on my many breaks) - hiking is a lot like schooling - its beautiful when you take a step back and look around but when you focus in on yourself and lose sight of the beauty of the journey it turns into something a little more painstaking.

So, we finally made it to the top of this brutal summit. Our guide told us to start going back if we felt too tired but myself and two of my friends said we were going to make it to the lake.

Then our tour guide continued on...

The three of us caught our breath and continued down the other side of this summit. It didn't start off too bad, still more steps down - a little more difficult on this downward side. We then reached a point where there were no more steps and just a mountainous wall. The three of us saw our lives flash before our eyes countless times as we tried to figure out how to get down this mountain.

Once we finally made it down into the sulphur spring areas we took another break, and tried to bring down our adrenaline and calm our shaken nerves. We saw another guide leading a small group into a valley so we figured we should follow them. Once we actually made it to the valley we couldn't see where they could have gone but we followed the stream flowing down into boiling lake. Again, this started off not too bad but as we travelled deeper and deeper into this valley it was much more difficult. There were no places to put your feet, no rocks to hold on to, nothing. And I started to panic.

For the first time in a very long time I thought I made a completely wrong decision. We didn't know where we were, we had no one behind us telling us where to go and we had no idea if we were even heading in the right direction. We were yelling, trying to see if anyone could hear us... we felt so alone and lost. My one friend said she was going forward to see if she saw anyone and my other friend and I waited until we decided to try to head back from where we came from.

My legs were shaking, arms so sore, I was literally COVERED in sweat. Looking back and seeing where we struggled through was oddly beautiful. I could honestly say we got through all of that by ourselves and as much as I wanted to cry I turned back and tried to be as logical as possible to get back to an area where we knew where we were going.

That was probably one of the most mentally and physically challenging days I've had in my life. But do I regret it for a second? No.

I was scared for my life, I was tired, I felt weak and I felt so alone but I got through it (with the help of some friends). Although that may sound like a pretty scary way to start third semester I think it is beautiful. There are going to be ups and downs in your life and there are going to be times when you feel like you're lost and alone and you're so very close to giving up hope. But if you push through and persevere you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to.

Now even though my body is the most sore it's ever been I feel 100% ready to tackle M2!

- Jen

Just Keep Building

Hello Friends!

Quick turn around for another post from me but I’ve got some inspiration for some more writing/procrastinating.

I got some pretty exciting news yesterday and I’ll officially post it on this blog - but I’ve been asked to be the Prime Minister (President) for the Canadian Students Society! Words can’t even describe how excited and happy I am to be able to take a leadership role in this club and work along side some of my amazing friends.

I'd just like to take a moment and reflect as to why I'm so grateful not only for the Canadian Students Society but for being in medical school and living out my dream of becoming a Doctor.

In high school I was a very active student member. Coming from a smaller all girls high school it was very easy to get involved in the school community. I did plays, ran the robotics team, was selected to be a prefect, was on the May Court, helped out with school events... You get the drift.

For various reasons everything changed in my undergrad. I wasn't involved in any clubs let alone never dreamt about taking a leadership role in any aspect of my time there. Just to clarify, it had nothing to do with the school itself. The Applied Health Sciences Faculty was amazing - the smallest faculty on campus - we had a very home like feel to all of our events and throughout all of our buildings.

My confidence was stripped. I isolated myself. I didn't think I could be a part of a team and I didn't want to be. I didn't think I could be a leader, not in a group project let alone in a club.

For various reasons, I wasn’t the same active student body member that I was before. My friends who knew me from high school noticed the shift and honestly there was nothing anyone could really do to bring my confidence back up to where it was before. It was hard, going from being someone who was so actively involved to someone who went to classes and labs and that was it. No extra curriculars, no clubs, no teams - nothing. Until I found a volunteering position working with cancer patients that made me want to get more involved. Mind you at this point joining anything was a big deal for me. And I will be forever thankful to all of my patients at Well Fit, as much as you say I helped you, you helped to shape me into the future doctor I am today.

I was thinking about my 18/19 year old self and how she would react if I told her that she would be in medical school, and she would be loving it. She would gain her confidence to take on leadership roles again and most importantly she would be genuinely happy.

The thought brought me to tears.

I asked a lot of friends whether I should post this more personal blog and I got a resounding yes. Then I realized how happy an 18/19 year old Jen would be if she read something like this when she wasn't feeling her best.

For anyone who may be thinking about applying to medical school but is doubting themselves or doesn’t believe that they can do it - if you want it badly enough you will do it. And you will succeed. Once you start doing what you love the confidence and the happiness just falls into place.

- Jen

The First of Many Lasts

Hey guys,

Today marks one of the many lasts I have before I embark on my journey to medical school in Dominica.

My last day of work...

Call me crazy but I wished this day would never come. Starting back in June I never imagined how much of an impact the people who make up this amazing sports clinic would have on me. I started this job with a hope of working my butt off for the summer to make some money and then calling it quits before I started MERP. Soon that turned into me looking forward to going to work every day, then me saying I'll work weekends while in school, then me pushing my end date as late as possible to me crying on my last day.

I've been told that you're very lucky if you get along with the people you work with let alone have them make such a dramatic impact on you. I've been so very fortunate to work with 18 phenomenal human beings who have showed me more kindness and understanding than I could ever dream of.

From the Doctors who are the kindest and most generous people I've met. They put up with my many questions and clarifications with the biggest smiles on their faces. I can only hope to be half the doctors you are once I get my MD. I look forward to being your colleagues one day in the future.

To the physiotherapists, Rick, Andrew, Karen, Jessi and Susan. For all of the booking shenanigans I have put you guys through you always deal with my frantic questions and patient inquires with a breeze. You're all some of the funniest and knowledgeable people I've met. I know I could trust all of you to take amazing care of me if I ever needed it - you're some of the finest physios in the field and I am honoured to have met all of you.

To the amazing massage therapists, Louise and David. You two are more amazing than words can explain. Two of the greatest massage therapists I've met in my life. I can say you two do your job with so much ease and with an extreme amount of skill - if I could bring you both in my suitcase to give me massages through medical school I would.

To the beautiful chiropractors, Pamela and Christina. The both of you take being a chiropractor to a whole new level. Your kind hearts and high level of knowledge make you impossible to dislike. You both put so much dedication into you work and it's very admirable. I only hope that when I become a doctor my clients will think of me the same way your clients think of you.

And last but not least to the rock of this whole clinic, Shelly. If you've met this beautiful human you would know what I'm talking about. Words cannot describe how thankful I am to have you as my boss. You've been more than just a manager to me. You've been a support system. Not only within my work life but within my academic life. I know I can always turn to you and you will always have a kind, supportive word for me to help pick me up. From day one you've made me feel a part of your Beaches family. I know whenever I come back I can come back to my work family and you will all welcome me with open arms. It takes a special person to be the kind of manager you are... you're irreplaceable.

Thank you all for an amazing seven months. You will all see me back in the clinic whenever I'm back in the city!

Jen

Top 5 Vacation Spots

With the Canadian long weekend being this weekend I thought I'd be festive and make a post of my top 5 vacation spots!

1. St. Barths

• It's a cute little island just off of St. Maarten and you can get there by ferry or by a tiny, little plane. All of their beaches are public so there are no limitations on any beach you can go to. All of the locals are very friendly and none of them will bother you to buy anything off of them. The island is definitely a place to go if you want to sit back and relax. Since it's so small there is not a huge night life or clubbing scene. BUT it is the safest island in the Caribbean.

2. Barcelona, Spain

• I don't even know where to begin with Barcelona. The culture, the beaches, the city, the people... all of it is just so beautiful. You will never run out of things to do in Barcelona - during the day or at night. Plus the food is out of this world. If you're looking for a place to keep you busy all day and all night Barcelona is the place to be. Even travelling around to different cities is easy with the transit system in Spain.

3. New York, New York

• There is something so very special about New York and I don't know how to place a finger on it. It's so busy and so chaotic, but it can also be so beautiful and serene. Another amazing place where you will never run out of things to do. Between shows, museums, food, historical land marks and shopping you will never stop going. I don't think I've ever walked so much in my life - and gotten so many blisters - but I didn't even mind because New York was something you just have to experience.

4. Las Vegas, Nevada

• Where I went for my 21st birthday. The city that never sleeps, sin city, whatever you want to call it... I'm in love with it. I strongly believe that if I were to be any city in the world I would be Vegas. What a fun, energetic, HOT, crazy place to be. You do things in Vegas you would never be able to do anywhere else. Everything is so extravagant and beautiful. All of the hotels, the strip, the shopping... everywhere you look is stunning.

5. Costa Rica

• Words can't describe the greenery in Costa Rica until you've been there. Everything is so beautiful and fresh - and delicious. The people are so friendly and the weather is hot, hot, hot. I went during the rainy season so trust me when I say it's called rainy season for a reason. It will rain every day. And there is no use bringing stuff to do your hair because it will just automatically go frizzy. This place is definitely more of an "au natural" kinda place. But I wouldn't change it for the world. The water is so warm and so blue - and the wildlife is so vast. It's beautiful and you can't appreciate it until you've seen it yourself.

There you have it! My top 5 vacation spots! 

Where are your favourite places to vacation?

- Jen

The Last

On to the third week of school and I've slowly gotten myself into a routine. When I wake up every day, what to pack as snacks, when to leave for campus ect. It's pretty difficult to believe that I'm in my fourth year and this is the last September I'll be seeing in Waterloo.

Believe me I know how easy it is to get caught up in the moment and not really appreciate it for what it really is. I've been consciously trying to appreciate every moment and all the emotions that come with them.

Since this is the last time I'll be experiencing the frustration of starting fall semester in Waterloo. The last time I get to see the leaves turning from green to yellow and red. My last fall semester in Waterloo.

Every other year I've just thought "It's one more year, out of the way. Keep it going." and I'm realizing that that is such a horrible mindset.

Why keep counting down until something is over? Appreciate it now, you'll regret it later.

- Jen