Long Time No Post

Hi Friends!

I know I've kinda fallen off the face of the earth on here... not purposefully but because honestly I haven't really known what to say. I haven't figured out how to put what I want to say into words.

Do I talk about third year and how tough it was?
Do I talk about step 2?
Do I talk about fourth year?
Do I talk about applications?
Do I talk about interview season?

HONESTLY I don't really want to talk about any of them - hence why I haven't posted.

UNTIL TODAY

I realized all I want to do is reflect on this journey so far.

It has been long and tedious. I've been more exhausted than I can imagine. I've felt more homesick than I've ever felt. I've been able to live in so many exciting and new places. I've been able to see so many beautiful sights and things. I've seen things that are unimaginable. I've met with people I've never thought I'd meet. I've had experiences that not many people have experienced.

Everything I've seen/done/experienced so far have spanned from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows. From the excitement of birthing a baby that a couple has been trying for for ages to the tears of a patient coming in from a trauma. I've gone through a whole range of emotions in just one 24 hour shift. And as much as I could not imagine doing anything different in my life I've noticed how it's changed me.

Not in a bad way, but not in a good way either.

In order to get through medical school you need to be tough. That's what I was always told. Okay be tough be tough. Got through Dominica and Step One. I WAS TOUGH. Then came the hospital. In order to get through day after day after day of caring for your patients it wears you out. You have some amazing beautiful encounters and you have some not so great encounters. You have people telling you you're doing great keep it up! Then you have people questioning why you did "x, y, z".

In order for me to cope with that I "became tougher". I hardened up - if something good happened - that's fine. If something bad happened - that's fine. There were no emotions anymore. I still cared so deeply for my patients wanting to make them feel comfortable and they were being cared for. But I wouldn't allow myself to feel emotions. I wouldn't get happy, sad, mad, angry, elated, joyous, scared or even homesick. I just did. I showed up. Cared for my patients and left. I couldn't handle the moments of excitement of helping a patient to the embarrassment of doing something incorrect and being spoken to about it. So I just wouldn't let myself feel either emotion.

So yeah you have to be tough to get through medical school, I'm not saying I am but I never TRULY realized what that meant until now. I've missed too many birthdays to count. I've missed get togethers, funerals, dinners, weddings, parties... YOU NAME IT I'VE MISSED IT.

I've lost contact with dear friends, I've felt like I haven't been able to be a good friend, a good sister, daughter or granddaughter. It can feel very isolating. Yet here I am still knowing that medicine is all I ever want to do.

I know medicine online can be glorified. Flatlays, fun study sessions, cool surgeries, cute scrubs.

AND IT IS ALL OF THOSE THINGS!!!

But there is also more. There's those tears of sadness, anger, frustration. Those 2 am eureka moments. Those disorganized desks with notes everywhere and UWorld ripping apart your soul. Those silent moments after a tough case. The exciting moments with patients.

And everything in between.

And I wouldn't change it for the world.

- Jen

MS3 Core Study Resources

Hi friends!

LONG TIME NO BLOG!!! I'm so sorry I've been so incredibly busy at the hospital and studying plus I haven't really known what I could even blog about for you guys (suggestions are open).

But considering I'm on my LAST CORE ROTATION OF THIRD YEAR... where has the time gone?!

I thought I'd compile what I used to study for each core. Now this is what worked for me and how I study best (visual learning and lots of repetition).

I used Online Med Ed across the board for all of my cores. I found it isn't as detailed as what NBME's are but it is an amazing summary of topics so I'd try to watch those videos in the first week to get a good foundation for my core.

UTILIZE THE NBME's!!!! Those were great learning resources. Again I used those for every core - I'd spread them out throughout the core and take a day going through the questions afterward.

Family Med: Case Files, Online Med Ed and NBME

Peds: UWorld, Online Med Ed and NBME

Psych: Online Med Ed, UWorld, First Aid for Psychiatry and NBME

OBGYN: Online Med Ed, UWorld, Case Files(while I was on the floor on 24's I'd go through the cases), NBME

Surgery: Online Med Ed, Pestanas, NBME, UWorld(Surgery, GI, Cardio, Renal, Rheum)

Internal (Currently): I'm trying to make myself go through one organ system a week using Online Med Ed, UWorld, and Step Up to Medicine + NBME's

Apps I've Used:

• UWorld
• Epocrates: pharm app
• BMI calculator
• UpToDate
• AHRQ ePSS: screening tools depending on patient age, gender and smoking status
• MDCalc: various scores or screening tools
• Bilibaby: especially for NICU
• ABFMExamPrep: Family med questions
• VaccineSchedule
• Aquifer Cases

If there's anything else you want me to write about please let me know!

Jen

MS3.5

Hi Friends!

First of all just wanted to wish a HAPPY CANADIAN THANKSGIVING TO ALL MY CANADIAN FRIENDS AND FAMILY!

Secondly, sorry I've kind of fallen off the blogging bandwagon for the last while! Third year is no joke - work and studying never seem to end and the responsibility of being in the hospital and on your "A game" is tough. I can feel the burnout hitting as I've been studying since March with only a weekend between core rotations as a break.

After being stressed myself and seeing several other friends posting about Mental Health and Awareness I wanted to add my two cents into this discussion.

In my personal opinion, even though it is the most important, mental health always falls to the back burner of every students mind. Generally you don't realize you haven't been taking care of your own mental health until later on and you find yourself in your apartment or in the hospital on the verge of a breakdown. You feel like you cant do anything right - can't answer questions properly, can't suture, tie knots, write a proper note, do a proper history and physical... the list can go on forever.

*I can actually feel my heart rate increase as I type this*

In THAT very moment is when you think
"Can I even do this?
Will I pass this shelf?
Am I going to make it through third year let alone Step 2 CS/CK?
Will I even get a residency?
How am I going to pay for all this debt I'm in?"

This list can also go on for miles and can be applicable to any stage of medical training you're in.

9 times out of 10 THAT is when we realize we haven't taken care of ourselves. Haven't eaten properly, haven't seen anything other than the inside of the hospital and our apartment, have barely slept and don't even know what self-care is at that point.

Although it seems counter-intuitive taking a little bit of time out daily or weekly to do something for yourself can help tremendously with your productivity and attention.

I'm currently in OBGYN (delivering babies) and in my first rotation where we have 24 hour calls. So figuring out how to balance school with keeping myself sane has been difficult. I notice when I'm not taking care of myself I can't focus to save my life - let alone study. It's been a journey each rotation to figure out how best I work so I can balance studying, the hospital and my personal sanity.

After OBGYN I head into Surgery where I'll spend 7 weeks in Trauma Surgery and 5 weeks in subspecialties. Then into my final rotation of third year Internal Medicine!

Even though I've had my fair share of, "Can I do this?" moments I wouldn't trade 3rd year and my experiences for anything. I've been thoroughly enjoying NYC when I do get the chance to explore and the people I have met through the hospital.

Until next time,

Jen

Thankful

Hi my friends!

I'm halfway done my Pediatrics rotation and am currently in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) part of my rotation. The attendings I've been working with are so incredibly knowledgable and patient with me while I try to learn about Neonates.

I started noticing myself playing the dreadful "what if" game again with myself. I started comparing my journey and experience with others - and I thought to myself "Okay, if I'm doing this I'm sure others are as well" so here I am writing a blog post about it!

FIRST OF ALL, if you are reading this and you are in the medical field I wanted to say congratulations to you for choosing this path. From my very limited experience it is very rewarding but also extremely challenging. And no matter what part of your journey you are on I applaud you.

Now for some feelings I have directly towards my peers in MS3 - I know we spend all day with one another in the same hospital but in different rotations. I can almost guarantee we've all had the thought "I wish my rotation schedule was more like ____" or "I wish I had _______ attending".

I'd be lying if I said those thoughts never crossed my mind, they have, and I'll be the first to admit it.

BUT

After several different discussions I've had in the hospital with patients, nurses, residents, attendings and other students I've started to realize how thankful and lucky I am to even be on this journey. Not everyone is lucky enough to go to undergrad, get accepted to MERP, get accepted to medical school, go to medical school on a foreign island, (this felt weird to type) be fortunate enough to even write step one, rotate in a hospital, match into a program and eventually become an attending.

Some people may dream of it but are unable to attain it for whatever reason. Coming to the realization that I am lucky to be able to wake up early in the morning to go to the hospital to learn and then come home tired but still push through and study for upcoming exams has really helped my fatigued brain.

Suddenly when I've started just being thankful for being in medicine the comparisons I'd been making previously stopped - and I just wanted to experience the rotation in whatever order it had been given to me.

ANYWAYS, I need to stop procrastinating and start going through UWorld again.

- Jen

Rotation One Done

Friends!

I just finished my family medicine rotation! To say I enjoyed it would be an understatement. I’ve known I belong in primary care for a long time. I’ve always enjoyed sitting with people and learning more about them and how I could help them. After going through this rotation I’ve grown to appreciate and respect the job of a primary care doctor more than I ever did before. They can be a patients voice, their shoulder to cry on, their sounding board, their confidant, a friendly face, the only stable portion of a persons life and so much more. The role of a general practitioner has been made to be someone who just writes referrals out and moves onto another patient. After this rotation I can assure you they are so much more than that. I’ve had the opportunity to work with some of the most amazing doctors who love and care for their patients more than I can begin to describe. They came in every day with a smile on their face ready to absorb any pain or suffering their patients were going through. They guided their patients through the medical system, trying to make sense of the complexities of it.

I’ve honestly loved working with the patient population I’ve seen at my clinics and within the hospital. I have learned so much in a few short 6 weeks - I’m excited to see what I will continue to learn and grow through during my next rotation.

As I’m sure you’ve all seen through my blog so far - Medicine is tough. I’ve only known the academic aspect of it and boy that was something. Being on the other side and learning about the clinical side of medicine makes me realize how seemingly “easy” the academics were.

*anyone in the basic sciences reading this probably having serious palpitations right now trust me it’s worth it*

The learning curve is steep - trying to grab my book knowledge, multiple choice question answering brain and let it grow to allow me to see the diseases and pathology in front of me (still trying to figure it out). All while trying to learn a new location, with new people a WHOLE new environment. I’d be lying if I said it was easy. I thought, “How am I going to make it through this?” multiple times a day.

Guys, somehow... even when you think you can’t make it through it, you always do.

- Jen

Tough Times

Friends!

I'm sitting here writing this and I should be going to bed but I can't help but think. Think about MERP in August 2015 then moving to Dominica January 2016 then coming home April 2017 and finally being in IMF.

It's only been 2.5 almost 3 years but I feel like I've lived a lifetime. It's been so rewarding, frustrating, exciting and nerve-racking and I can't even begin to try to put it into words.

I always end up writing these blogs when I need to hear what I'm writing in these blogs the most. I think to myself - if I need to hear this I can only imagine others do too.

I've been thinking lately about this journey... specifically my journey but I want to include everyone on this journey. I always go back and forth in my mind about sharing my journey and being public about it because I never want someone to compare their journey with mine.

Because I know I do that.

So it got me to thinking... write a blog about it.

I've heard the line (and thought the line) "well ______ is going through ______ so I can't complain".

But when I take a step back and really think about when I say something like that I'm really putting my own personal struggles and hardships down. EVERYONE... let me say this again EVERYONE is going through their own struggles. Whether it's personal or family oriented, seemingly big or seemingly small, within your control or not. We all have things we need to deal with and none of that should ever be compared. No one should ever be little their own struggles because it seems like it's not a big deal. It's important enough for you to think about - therefore it's a big deal... to YOU.

The beauty of medicine and its journey is that everyone is going to experience it very differently. We're all going to have different paths yet we all want the same thing... that MD/DO behind our names. Some students struggles may be internal - whether it be imposter syndrome, test anxiety, lack of confidence. Or external - family, friends, personal illness. Maybe some students deal with all of the above.

My point is your journey is your journey - however bumpy or smooth, internal or external. It's yours. And you should be proud of your journey. No matter how far along your journey you are. You could be in clinical rotations, basic sciences, just getting into med school, studying for your MCAT or just starting your pre-med journey.

Be proud of where you are and what you've accomplished up to this point. Never focus on someone else's road. Be proud of you.

- Jen

IMF

Friends!

I had been planning on blogging once I settled in here but that hasn't happened yet. It's a VERY DIFFERENT busy than studying for boards. I feel like I'm constantly on the move and quite honestly I've been finding it difficult to get into a rhythm. I'm normally the kind of person who can get into a schedule pretty quickly but with our continuously changing schedule that's been pretty tough for me here.

Basically my week looks like 2 days in the clinic interviewing and doing physical exams on patients, 2 days on campus for simulations, OSCES, and skills labs and one day of lectures. This past weekend we were trained in ACLS (advanced cardiac life support) and BLS (basic life support) and this coming weekend we have PALS (Pediatric advanced life support).

I have also found out where I am doing my core rotations...

...and...

I'LL BE IN NEW YORK!

I was hoping to not have to deal with another winter (I am not a fan) BUT I am excited to be close to home again and be able to experience the city! I'll be starting my cores with Family Medicine so I am a little nervous since I've been told that's the most difficult shelf exam but I'm trying to keep an open mind.

Although starting in the hospitals means beginning a brand new learning curve, I am excited to begin and do what every medical student went into medicine for - to help patients.

With beginning a brand new part of my medical school journey the dreaded imposter syndrome has been sneaking up on me again - wondering if I'm actually good enough for this, whether medicine is right for me, am I even smart enough to be going into clinicals?

I'd be lying if I wrote to all of you that I have no fears going into core rotations. I am just as nervous as I was when I was leaving to go to Dominica. But there was one important thing I learned from all of those tears I cried before I went to medical school on an island...

Any time you feel the most uncomfortable and the most nervous you're about to have the most personal growth.

Looking back I was SO SCARED to go to medical school in Dominica but I can say with 100% certainty I would not be even close to the person I am today without all of the experiences I had on the island.

- Jen

An Open Letter To My Friends & Family

For those of you who are friends or family this letter is for you,

I wanted to say thank you for trying to understand what I've been going through while in medical school. I know it's kind of complex and I tend to have to explain the journey multiple times but don't apologize for asking me to explain it to you 'one more time'. It's tough to follow! Sometimes I don't even know the answers to your questions and I have to look them up myself.

I know I've been here, but not really here. Home, but not really home. Textbooks and question banks have taken over my life. I used to be so great at responding to text messages and remembering special events but all of those have been slipping my mind. Trust me, when I do remember them I feel HORRIBLE about forgetting about them on their proper day.

Thankfully, every time I do pop up from my little study hole and apologize for taking ages to respond you always understand and tell me not to worry. You don't even realize how much that means to me.

I can't even describe how much I wish I could go to all of the birthday parties, get togethers and events but studying has consumed my life right now.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL BAD FOR ME.

I made the decision to go into medical school and go through the rigorous training to become a Doctor. I knew there would be some social sacrifices that would come along with it. I fully accept that - but because of that little internal "Doctor" instinct of wanting to be there for everyone, I know I have to be selfish.

I guess a part of me wants to apologize for putting you through this too - because we are going on this journey together.

You help keep my sanity. You help when I'm stressed. You help when I've had a horrible study day. You help to lighten my mood when a test is coming up. You remind me that I am supposed to be here. You tell me I will be a great Doctor one day.


Even though you attribute this to "just being a good friend" know to me it means so much more than that. I wouldn't be where I am today without you so any of my wins are just as much yours.

Thank you for joining me on this wild ride. I promise to keep the good stories coming,

Jen

Motivation

Hey friends!

I am back for another post! Quick turn around I know. I've surprised myself too.

I've been asked this question and I've seen this question floating around the internet for the longest time now and I figured - WHY NOT SHARE MY TWO CENTS ON MY BLOG!

The question on everyone's mind every hour of every.single.day. "How do I stay motivated?"

Thinking about it - that's a pretty darn good question that quite honestly I don't think I even have the answer to. Do you want to know why?

I don't rely on motivation.

I can already imagine what is going through your mind right now... what do you mean you don't rely on motivation? Are you crazy? What planet do you live on? How did you make it through two years of med school not relying on motivation?

My answer to you is simple. I rely on dedication.

If we were to only look at the definition of the two words:

"Motivation: Desire or willingness to do something; enthusiasm."

https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/motivation

"Dedication: If you say that someone has dedicated themselves to something, you approve of the fact that they have decided to give a lot of time and effort to it because they think that it is important."

https://www.collinsdictionary.com/dictionary/english/dedicate

Based on my understanding and interpretation of these definitions, motivation comes and goes while dedication is more permanent. So why would I rely on something that changes based on the day?

Do I wake up every single morning fully motivated to study and learn as much as I can? Honestly no. Some days I wake up and I just soak up all of the information I am reading that day. Other days I wake up and I'm lucky if I make it through one chapter.

On those hard days where my motivation is a big fat zero am I still fully dedicated to become a doctor? Heck yeah I am! That will always be the dream even if I am having a very non-motivational day.

I've found now that I've been attempting to change my mindset from relying on motivation to relying on my dedication I haven't been getting as frustrated with myself on those days my motivation has been a little low.

Show up. Every day. Be dedicated to your goal. Motivation will come and go. Stay true to your course.

- Jen

Imposter Syndrome

Hi Friends!

I write this blog post on a slow morning - as I sit here and it's past 11 and I still haven't finished my first cup of coffee.

I've been doing a lot of reflecting about undergrad and medical school these past few days and I wanted to share with you the basis of my thoughts - and Imposter Syndrome basically sums it up.

The first time I heard this term I was in PSYCH 100 in undergrad - winter semester of my first year of undergrad. Back then it was more or less a definition I had to memorize for one of my midterms and nothing more. Now it's definition has a lot more meaning in my life.

For those of you who are wondering what I'm talking about:

"According to Joan Harvey, the impostor phenomenon (IP) is a “psychological syndrome or pattern. It is based on intense, secret feelings of fraudulence in the face of success and achievement. If you suffer from the impostor phenomenon, you believe that you don’t deserve your success; you’re a phony who has somehow ‘gotten away with it.’” (Harvey, 1984, p. 3). “Syndrome” may be too strong a term, but many of us experience these feelings with varying strengths and frequencies."

https://uwaterloo.ca/centre-for-teaching-excellence/teaching-resources/teaching-tips/planning-courses/tips-teaching-assistants/impostor-phenomenon-and

I think that website from Waterloo sums it up pretty well!

But that's basically what every medical student deals with at one point in time.

I think about all the times my friends and I talk about medical school and making it off the island and I can never forget how I explain myself getting through medical school "under the radar - letting me slip through the cracks and hoping they don't find me". If that's not textbook Imposter Syndrome I don't know what is.

As I've mentioned before - as medical students we're PHENOMENAL at bringing up our classmates and believing in them but we always fail at believing in ourselves.

The amount of times I've found myself telling my friends or thinking, "If only you believed in yourself as much as I believe in you". For whatever reason I, and I'm sure many other students, cannot transfer those feelings to myself.

I've been struggling to find a way to fight those imposter feelings - that website I posted up above has some ideas that I'm going to try to implement into my daily life.

I am sure I'm not the only student who has been experiencing this so I'm opening up about them on my blog hoping to maybe kick start a conversation about this and maybe share some ideas about how to fight Imposter Syndrome.

- Jen

It Takes a Village

Hi my friends!

Just thought I'd do a little update and share some wisdom I've learned over the past few months.

So for those of you who have been reading my blogs or looking at my social media this may be redundant, but for any new faces around here I've been going through the hardest four months of my life. I've been studying for boards, my grandmother passed away suddenly and my father was diagnosed with cancer... again.

I didn't come on here to write some sob story about how difficult my life is right now hoping whoever reads this feels sorry for me.

I came on here to talk about getting through this journey we call medical school and life. Medical school is hard enough as it is but add life into the mix and you have a whole new ball game. It's tiring mentally, emotionally, psychologically, physically - it's a lot. Not only being in medical school is hard but getting into medical school is tough too.

I know there is no magic formula that anyone can tell you that will guarantee that you will get into medical school. BUT I do know one thing that will make you last through your pre med and medical years.

A support system.

I don't want to admit the amount of times I've messaged my friends over the past 2 years saying "That's it I'm done. I don't think I can do this". From my undergrad, to MERP to the island to now.

You know who has brought me back up every one of those times? My friends and family.

I've found that my friends in medical school and from back home has been so very helpful to me in so many different ways. Everyone in medical school is going through the same experiences. They can relate to the obstacles that I'm going through right now. Compared to my friends who are not in medical school, they always show me how to look at my situation from a different perspective. Ways I'd never look at these issues before.

I know it is so easy to lock yourself up in your room and study your life away because your stress levels are so high (I've been there and done that). After a while that gets lonely and isolating and you start to feel disconnected from the world.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is if you're frustrated or having a bad day you should never feel bad messaging a friend or family member to talk about it. I know that is the only way I've gotten to this point in one piece.

I've utilized my friends and family more days than not during my schooling and they always help. Whether it's a new perspective, a calming influence, a "I feel you man" or one medical students are VERY GOOD at doing for others but not themselves - giving you confidence.

No one goes through this journey alone. Behind every successful doctor and student is a village of people who have supported them and helped them get there.

- Jen

Fault vs Responsibility

Hi my friends!

I'm sorry I've been neglecting you for a while - I've been super busy with both my personal life and my academic life.

There's been a lot of stuff going on with me for the past little bit so I'll just catch you guys up!

As you all may know my grandmother passed away in the middle of May very suddenly which was a pretty eye opening and horribly sad experience. Now to add to that my dad has been recently diagnosed with Collecting Duct Renal Cell Carcinoma.

To save you the trouble from googling it, it's a rare and aggressive kidney cancer. Thankfully his family physician has caught it relatively early and he is going in to have his kidney removed this week.

Am I writing this because I want you to feel sorry for me? NO

Am I writing this because I want you to feel like my struggle is worse than others? NO

Some of you may be wondering why I'm sharing all this information? Why am I writing a blog post about this?

To keep it real with anyone reading.

Life happens. People get sick. Unfortunate things happen all the time. It may suck right now and it may not be fair right now and you may feel like the world is against you.

I recently read "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***", and a statement that the author made really stuck with me. I'm just going to try to paraphrase it and if you want to know more about it I HIGHLY suggest you read this book.

Basically there is a difference between "fault" and "responsibility". Generally we use those words simultaneously or tend to use them together but they are actually very different. Fault it from choices already made and responsibility results from choices that you're making right now.

For example (in my own situation) it's not my FAULT that my dad has cancer but the way I act/respond since he has cancer is my RESPONSIBILITY.

So needless to say it's been a busy time since I've posted on here and I've had some pretty stressful days and nights... but so has everyone else.

We all just need to notice the difference between fault and responsibility.

- Jen

Life Happens

Hello crew!

I've been home for about three weeks now and I've had lots going on in my personal life - academic wise it's been on the back burner.

After two weeks at home I had the unfortunate experience of losing my grandmother. She experienced a quite sudden death so it came as a shock to my whole family. As for me it also came with a bit of frustration because as I looked back at her care over the past few months I saw so many systems errors that could have been prevented that would have allowed my grandmother to be much more comfortable as she was passing and would have given my family much more closure as her time was coming up.

The week my grandmother ended up in the hospital, for what would be her last time, I had begun an online course to help with step prep. With everything that unfolded it wouldn't be an understatement to say that my mind was all over the place. All of my plans for studying and attacking step had flown out the window.

I was almost in a state of shock.

I just remember a wave of panic overwhelming my whole body and the thought, "Jen you cannot screw this up".

I thankfully have some amazing, beautiful friends (you know who you are) who sent loving messages daily to make me feel like I wasn't going through this alone and I would get through it.

But there was still that panic. "You have eight weeks to study for comp... you can't mess this up".

Not only was I dealing with the loss of my grandmother and the frustrations that had attached to it, but I knew I had to keep moving forward. I instantly thought back to third year university, September 2013, first week of classes when my grandfather passed away and three weeks later my dad having surgery. I thought about how I dealt with those family stresses then... and how that ended up hurting me in the long run.

I tried to act tough and pretend it never really happened. Never letting myself actually process what happened. Sure that was great at the time... but I barely got through orgo chem 1 leading me to fail orgo 2.

NOW THAT WAS ROUGH. Big huge blow to the ego. How the heck was I going to apply to medical school now that I failed orgo 2.

Flashforward 3.5 years and obviously I got through it and made it to the medical school side. Now I'm facing my "medical school application" of medical school... step one. And I do not want to make the same mistakes I made the first time I had deaths in the family. I owed it to myself to learn from my previous mistakes.

And I want you all to learn from my previous mistakes too... Life happens while you're studying. You need to learn to deal with both.

So if you have a traumatic event happen to you or someone close to you and you feel like you need to take a step back for a little to recharge and reboot then do it. Take some time and process. Trust me when I say I've tried ignoring it and it doesn't work.

I'm currently trying to take my own advice and it's hard to not get frustrated with myself when I can't stay focused.

Believe me when I say if you're dealing with something similar you aren't dealing with it alone.

- Jen

Our family before the viewing

RIP my new angel

The Last Hoorah

My internet family!

I just found out today I have passed the island portion of my lifelong journey of medicine. I had to recheck multiple times before I would actually believe it... BUT I DID IT!

I want to start this off by sending a huge congratulations to all of my classmates who went through this amazing journey with me. You all did it and you should be so proud of your accomplishments! I can't wait to rotate in hospitals with you.

I thought since I've been on the island for 16 months I'd give you guys 16 things I've learned while on island:

1. How to live without running (clean) water and other luxuries of home
I remember my first week on island, I was so shell shocked about being here. Dominica was nothing like home. You didn't have a Wal-Mart down the street or grocery stores on every corner. It was a developing country. I didn't know what to expect when I left my sweet comfort zone I called home but when I got to Dominica I realized what I was in for. At first it was weird filling up your water at a filling station but over time you got used to it. You got used to the low water pressure at certain times of the day and just worked your way around it (I am now a morning shower person), or when you turned your tap on that one time late at night and nothing came out. Since then I always have an extra water bottle for brushing my teeth.

2. 8 straight hours of sleep is a luxury
At home I'm used to sleeping in relatively quiet areas, aka the suburbs, so coming to Dominica and hearing bugs all night, and waves, and motorcycles was something to get used to INITIALLY. Then the semester starts... and all of a sudden you notice yourself telling yourself "one more hour... I'll be okay". Then you start calculating how long you'll be asleep if you fall asleep RIGHT NOW.

3. Simple things become difficult
I find this point partially embarrassing but it's true. I have lost the ability to do some simple tasks or utilize the English language. The amount of times I've tried to order something on campus and I stand there pointing to food at a total loss of what this item is actually called. It ALWAYS happens to me with pepper jack cheese. Recently I've been leaving the tap running and walking away...

4. Dominica is NOT the Dominican Republic
I confused this the first few months after I applied

5. There is a reason people in the Caribbean leave the Caribbean in the summer
It gets HOT here in the summer. I mean your skin feels like it's melting off hot. For our summer semester I would leave my house an hour earlier in the morning and an hour later at night to make sure I didn't melt. I would also take multiple showers a day and drink loads of water and STILL managed to get dehydrated.

6. No amount of coffee is enough coffee
If you know me you know this is a life motto of mine. It does get scary though when you drink a lot of coffee/energy drinks/caffeine pills and you still yawn as if you've never slept before. I've been working on keeping my caffeine levels low unless a mini or final is coming up and I 150% recommend doing that.

7. When it rains it pours
I mean that literally. Don't EVER leave your umbrella at home. It could look like a nice innocent sunny day, but I promise you as soon as you leave your house the weather gods sense you left the umbrella at home and they will make it pour... for the rest of the day.

8. Don't forget sunscreen
Again you may think "I'll be outside for less than an hour in the middle of the day I'll be good!" WRONG. If you are fair skinned like me trust me you will burn, and you will peel and it will be the most uncomfortable burn of your life. The sun down here is strong.

9. Nothing is better than a sunrise or sunset
If you've looked at my Instagram you will see MANY sunsets, and if you go through my phone you will find countless more. There's something about watching the sun set and hearing the waves hitting the beach that can make any amount of stress go away (even if it's for just a minute).

10. Island time is a real thing
Your landlord tells you 10:30, or laundry is supposed to arrive at 9... add on about 30 mins (on a good day) and that's the approximate time that your appointment will actually happen. At first this is kind of odd to get used to but by the end of the first or second month it's just the normal.

11. Not doing anything is a very guilty feeling
You will see after about a month into medical school, you're always doing something. Organizing notes, scarfing food down, writing notes, watching lecture, walking somewhere, going to lab, working on clinical skills... it's always go, go, go and all you want to do is to sit and relax. When you do get that day to sit and do nothing you feel guilty and weird... like you should be doing something. Every time I go home my parents always tell me to sit and chill SORRY NOT IN MY VOCABULARY ANYMORE.

12. Missing family events suck
Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Easter, Canada Day, Fourth of July... never gets easier. I always get the FaceTime call in followed by the "woah you look tired"... thanks guys... and being shown the yummy food and just being with the extended family.

13. Being homesick happens... often
You're so busy while you're on the island and you have barely any time to think about anything other than school and what you're doing tomorrow for class. But when you do sit down and think (especially if you stayed on island between semesters) you really start to miss your concrete jungles back home. Remember that traffic you used to despise? You kind of miss sitting in it. Those obnoxious honks from cars speeding by? You miss it. Starbucks... you miss it... a lot.

14. Missing food you never missed is normal
When I lived back at home did I ever crave any type of fast food? NEVER! A salad? NO WAY! On island... every day. Being in a smaller town is great because you don't have many distractions but it also means you see the same restaurants every day. When you first come on island that Chinese place down the street may be the best! Two months in you never want to see chicken fried rice ever again.

15. Your family may be far away but your friends will fill that void
This runs closely with lesson 12... even though you miss family events with your family back home you get to spend them with what I like to call them my "Island Tribe". What is also sad about this lesson is that you only get to spend these events with this island tribe on Dominica once. That's right one time. Unless you're lucky and you get your birthday on island two times. As difficult as it is to not be with your family for those special days - your island tribe will always come to save the day when you're feeling some serious home-sickness.

16. Self love is the best love
Medical school is tough stuff. It's no walk in the park and if someone says it is they're a liar. You have to push yourself harder than you've ever pushed yourself in your entire life. Sometimes it pays off. Sometimes it's as if you never studied. It happens to every single one of us. It's hard to realize at times but you didn't get here by chance. You worked your butt off and made sacrifices in your life to get here. It may not seem like its paying off now but in the long run it is. Never EVER give up hope on your dream. If you ever need a little pick me up always feel free to shoot a message my way.

Jen

I'm Still Going!

Hi friends!

I know it's been a while since my last post - I've been so busy with my classes and clinical simulations that I've kind of neglected my little blog! Alas I'm here to write a post.

I've been struggling a little bit with keeping the motivation high and remembering why I'm going through medical school. As I've been sitting here in my own self doubt and negativity I've been scrolling through twitter, Facebook and instagram and I noticed this seems to be an ongoing thing for a decent amount of medical students right now. I don't know if it's the time of the year... something in the air... but from Ross to the US to Canada I've been seeing students struggling with motivation.

Then on my morning social media scroll I read a tweet from an account I follow and it said " Making it into and out of medical school alive are two separate things... medical school is hard, even though you get used to how hard it is". That got me to thinking and doing a little bit of reflecting - and I know I've mentioned in a previous blog post that we all need to be our own best friend before anything else.

If you look at the type of person in medical school I think I can say we all have one thing (definitely) in common. We are our own harshest critic. We all think we should push harder, study longer, read more, learn more, score higher ect ect. Whereas to people outside of medical school, (I'm talking to you my friends from back home) everyone thinks we're some type of robot who never takes time off and studies 24/7. When you take a step back and look at it - they aren't wrong. We wake up, put in 12-14 hour study days go to sleep and do it again. At first yeah it was an adjustment, then you become used to the long days, the leg cramps, the coffee shakes, the eye twitches, the aggressive yawns.

But still it's hard work!!! And even though we are used to it and call this "normal" it doesn't mean it isn't easy. It takes a toll on you mentally and physically. No matter what part of this medical journey you're on you need to think about yourself and take care of yourself. It's so easy getting caught up in studying for exam after exam then boards. There is so much to know and not enough time to learn it all. It's stressful - I'll fully admit I haven't figured out a balance for myself. I normally don't realize I'm working myself to the ground until thoughts and facts are running through my mind like crazy.

I don't have a fool proof answer to fix the medical school burn out and the self doubt, but what I do know is that you're not on this journey by accident. And you're not the first person to struggle through medical school and you definitely won't be the last. This is a difficult field to be in - but the only way you'll be able to stay in the field is if you take care of yourself first.

I have a mini coming up on Thursday so this is a stressful week coming up for me, but I'm going to try to keep the motivation and positive attitude high... I hope you do too :)

- Jen

Hospital Visit Number One!

Hello!

I had a few people ask me about my experience at Princess Margaret Hospital this past week so I figured I'd do a whole post about it!

For those of you who may not know in 4X at Ross we do two hospital visits to the main hospital in Dominica - Princess Margaret Hospital. The hospital is located in the capital of Dominica Roseau - about an hour drive from where the school is.

For this visit I was in the Dialysis and Oncology units in the morning and then I did a mock OSCE in the afternoon.

For those who don't know what OSCE is - it's a clinical exam we take - Step 2 CS. For the real exam, we go through 20 rooms, each with a standardized patient, and we perform an interview and physical exam and then we have 10 minutes to write a SOAP note after each room. The standardized patient grades us along with doctors who watch the video recordings of us in the room. Ours was not as intense (it still was though don't get me wrong - I definitely had my adrenaline pumping) we had 3 rooms instead of 20. But essentially everything else was the same. Even though it was very stressful I'm happy we were given the opportunity to practice our skills and go though a mock Step 2 CS exam.

As for the hospital itself - it looks nothing like a hospital you would imagine back at home. It was essentially blocks with covered walkways connecting different wards together. So we first went to the dialysis unit where patients come on two different regimens for their treatment; Monday, Wednesday, Friday OR Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday. Since these patients have kidneys that are functioning at very low levels they need to come three times a week so the dialysis machines can filter their blood for them. We had the honour of meeting two patients who allowed us to talk to them and learn more about their back story and how they ended up on dialysis.

We met one pleasant woman who was from the same area as Ross who allowed us to palpate her fistula (the connection of a vein to an artery) and it was different than a normal pulse that's for sure - I'm not even sure how to describe it. I've never been in a dialysis unit or palpated a fistula so this was all very new and interesting to me.

Next we went to the Oncology ward - unfortunately it wasn't a very busy day but we had the amazing opportunity to speak with one of the doctors, Dr. Malakar, who actually helped to find the discipline of Oncology in the medical field. I personally gained a lot more insight into Oncology and how doctors manage patients with a large team.

My next visit is on February 14th (Happy Valentines Day to me) and I will be going into two specialities for the day which I am very excited about. I'm crossing my fingers hoping I'm able to go into the OR or go into the Orthopaedic ward.

Jen

One Year Can Change Everything

Hello my friends!

I'm currently sitting in a classroom learning about hypertension and all different vascular and heart disorders (I'm in my Cardio block) and I took a little study break and I saw that one year ago today I had my white coat ceremony. I can vividly remember the day... we had lectures that morning and then in the afternoon we got to sit through our white coat ceremony. I couldn't focus in class that day - this is a big day for any medical student - finally getting that short white coat with the hopes that one day it will become a long white coat. I remember looking around at all of my classmates and just seeing how happy and determined we all were.

Since then we've gone through three full semesters - now starting our fourth. It's been a long and bumpy road I tell you but all the while so worth it. Throughout this past year, and I can only speak for myself, there have been so many tears, frustrations, doubt, panic phone calls home, naps, patient encounters, skills developed, people met and mental strength that I don't think I can even put it into words. You really don't know what this takes until you fully immerse yourself in it.

Even still I find myself sitting here thinking, "Do I really deserve to be here?" and that thought is always followed by "JENNIFER YOU CAN'T FAKE YOURSELF THROUGH MEDICAL SCHOOL". And I think we all need to really realize that. You didn't just somehow stumble upon this path and somehow made it to this point in your journey by chance. You did it because you put in the hard work and dedication and carved your way here. Yes I said it...

YOU DID IT you smart human you!

So pat yourself on the back and give yourself a little credit, I know we are all our hardest critics, because you should be pretty darn proud of yourself for getting this far in your journey. Whether it be deciding you want to go into medicine, getting accepted into medical school, finishing your first...second...third...fourth...fifth semester, writing step one/comlex, doing rotations, getting that match, getting through residency or getting that ultimate final goal of being an attending. Hold your head high and smile because it takes a lot of hard work and you did it... not by luck or by some chance.

You did it because you worked your butt off and achieved it.

Jen

MERP C - we out!

Find your Tribe

Hey guys!

So I was asked a really good question and I thought it would give me a perfect opportunity to write a blog post.

"How do you keep going when people doubt you?"

I have a long and a short answer to this one...

In short - DON'T LISTEN TO THEM!

Now my longer response. Everyone I've spoken to has had their fair share of people who didn't believe in them or didn't think that they would be able to get to whatever their dream goal was. I can only speak from my own experience but I've had my own non-believers in my life. It's difficult when you are seeing any sort of academic advisors and they tell you to "quit" or "drop out" or "try again later". So negative... and such a bone breaking way to crush someones soul. Coming back from situations like that are very difficult. But it all boils down to your support system.

I've been so incredibly grateful that my friends and family have always stood behind my back 150%. Whether they be at home (hi Mom, Dad, Alex and Babcia!), on the other side of the country (hi Mary Anne!) or on the other side of the world (hi Susan!) I know I have people who have so much belief and faith in me that it just keeps me going.

But back to getting over that initial soul crushing moment - it's going to be hard... and it will never get easier when someone says you can't do something. Turn those emotions around and take all that sadness and all of those tears and fight. Do everything you can to prove that person wrong. So what if they don't think you can make it into medical school. Half of the time they may not really even know what it takes to get into medical school (other than your usual GPA and MCAT statistics). And find someone who does believe in you.

I've been so fortunate that my parents have always told me to follow my dreams and they will always be there for me. Internally that wasn't enough. I wanted someone from an academic standpoint to believe in me too. Fortunately I was able to find professors who believed in me when I couldn't believe in myself. And I want to say thank you to them - for writing my letters of recommendation, letting me sit in your office to talk, welcoming me into your lab and for most importantly not putting any weight on my transcript and basing their opinion on me after knowing me as a person and as a student.

All in all - you will have people who will doubt you or criticize you on the way but take everything they say with a grain of salt and keep on pursuing your dreams.

- Jen

You CAN do it.

Hello my friends!

I've been living in my classroom studying my life away (more so than usual). Third is turning out to be one busy semester but we're getting more into the clinical and pathological aspects of medicine so it is VERY interesting.

I haven't written a post because I've been finding it kind of difficult to find some inspiration to write. Normally I'd write about keeping the motivation high and remembering why you did this... but since I couldn't even practice that skill myself I felt like theres no way I could write about it. I'm feeling the toll school has taken on me mentally and physically. I've been so tired, with no amount of coffee or sleep helping.

I've pretty much hit a rut.

And I feel like everyone around me has felt like they've gotten into a rut too. Every time I see something like this happening around me I try and think about what good will come from this.

Over the past three weeks I have had multiple conversations with multiple people about how stressed they are and how they don't feel motivated.

I noticed a trend - when people were consoling me about if I could get through it they were so positive and motivational. They had all the confidence that I could pull this off. But when the conversation turned and we were talking about them, their mood changed and the positivity and confidence faded. Which pulls me back to a conversation I had with a good friend about confidence. She told me a quote and I will never forget it...

"You need to learn to be your own best friend"

And I thought, how powerful is that? It should be so easy - yet it is one of the hardest things to do.

I'm guilty of it - friends and family continuously tell me, "Jennifer you're more than capable of this" but I'm my own toughest critic and things that make my parents more proud than they already are just make me shrug my shoulders. 

So I challenge you, and I will continue to challenge myself to try to become my own best friend.

- Jen

Getting ready for 3X

Hello my friends!!

I sit here the day after the heavily spoken about and internationally known boiling lake hike and let me tell you... muscles I didn't know could hurt are hurting.

As some of you may have seen on the news we're getting hit by a tropical depression Gaston. Winds are strong and there is a significant amount of rain falling. The weather wasn't as bad yesterday therefore we continued on with our hike.

The base of the hike is about 6.5 miles east of Rosseau (the capital of Dominica) so approximately 1.5 hour drive. The first part of the hike is through a heavily wooded area, with little steps for you to walk on guiding you to a small river where we had our first break. We sat there to cool off, hydrate and eat some food.

Next we hiked 1 km (1000 m) up. That was probably the most tiring part of this whole hike. It allowed me to do a lot of thinking (on my many breaks) - hiking is a lot like schooling - its beautiful when you take a step back and look around but when you focus in on yourself and lose sight of the beauty of the journey it turns into something a little more painstaking.

So, we finally made it to the top of this brutal summit. Our guide told us to start going back if we felt too tired but myself and two of my friends said we were going to make it to the lake.

Then our tour guide continued on...

The three of us caught our breath and continued down the other side of this summit. It didn't start off too bad, still more steps down - a little more difficult on this downward side. We then reached a point where there were no more steps and just a mountainous wall. The three of us saw our lives flash before our eyes countless times as we tried to figure out how to get down this mountain.

Once we finally made it down into the sulphur spring areas we took another break, and tried to bring down our adrenaline and calm our shaken nerves. We saw another guide leading a small group into a valley so we figured we should follow them. Once we actually made it to the valley we couldn't see where they could have gone but we followed the stream flowing down into boiling lake. Again, this started off not too bad but as we travelled deeper and deeper into this valley it was much more difficult. There were no places to put your feet, no rocks to hold on to, nothing. And I started to panic.

For the first time in a very long time I thought I made a completely wrong decision. We didn't know where we were, we had no one behind us telling us where to go and we had no idea if we were even heading in the right direction. We were yelling, trying to see if anyone could hear us... we felt so alone and lost. My one friend said she was going forward to see if she saw anyone and my other friend and I waited until we decided to try to head back from where we came from.

My legs were shaking, arms so sore, I was literally COVERED in sweat. Looking back and seeing where we struggled through was oddly beautiful. I could honestly say we got through all of that by ourselves and as much as I wanted to cry I turned back and tried to be as logical as possible to get back to an area where we knew where we were going.

That was probably one of the most mentally and physically challenging days I've had in my life. But do I regret it for a second? No.

I was scared for my life, I was tired, I felt weak and I felt so alone but I got through it (with the help of some friends). Although that may sound like a pretty scary way to start third semester I think it is beautiful. There are going to be ups and downs in your life and there are going to be times when you feel like you're lost and alone and you're so very close to giving up hope. But if you push through and persevere you can do ANYTHING you put your mind to.

Now even though my body is the most sore it's ever been I feel 100% ready to tackle M2!

- Jen